It's 2013!

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2013.

When did time suddenly start to go so fast? It seems like the older I get, the faster time ticks by. It makes my mind spin if I stop to think about it. I swear just yesterday I was the nerdy girl playing the spoons in our 4th grade music production (I thought I was so cool) and now I'm all married up with a baby boy and a shaggy pup while living in a little bungalow.

I found myself thinking about the new year throughout the past few days. I love the feeling of a fresh start; a blank slate so to speak. It's fun for me to think back over the past few New Years. The parties, people, resolutions, and hopes while ringing in the new year. I've made so many different goals over the past couple of years. Goals that made me feel like maybe, just maybe, if I tried a little harder and reached a little further, I could attain more.  Be more.  "This year is my year," I would think to myself.

Needless to say, these goals never really stuck (surprise!). I maybe made it a week or two, but then something would cause me to get distracted. After a while I stopped even making goals because of past failures. I knew that I couldn't keep up with what I wanted to attain, so I didn't even try. I thought I kept myself safe that way.

Now today, as I sit curled up listening to my little boy sleep, all I can think about is how thankful I am that I have a relationship with God where I don't have to keep trying to prove myself to others or to myself. I don't have to prove anything or do anything on my own. I don't have to come up with complex fixes and plans to becoming a stronger, prettier, smarter, more accomplished person. I now realize (and often have to remind myself) that I will continue to fall short when I depend upon my own strength and resources. I always feel like I'm missing out and not good enough when my thought pattern and perspective is only focused on myself and my own strength. The cool thing? When I strive to aline ourselves with God and his perspective + mind-set, he's right there.  Helping me.  Providing strength.  Picking me back up again and again.  Re-directing me again and again...

and again.

Because my strength alone is definitely not enough.

All of this to say, I'm still not sure what resolutions I have for 2013. To be honest, I'm hesitant to make any. I know that I want to grow stronger as a woman, a wife, a mom, a friend. But I also know that I want to trust that God has the best scenario and story for me to live. I want him to be the author of that... not me.

merry christmas! :: a quick little recap

Happy day after Christmas! 

We celebrated the last few days by enjoying long, drawn out meals and conversations with family, 

reading + meditating on the Christmas story and celebrating with community,  

playing in a crazy snow blizzard, and 

remembering memories of Christmases in the past and thinking about Christmases to come. 

Our last few days have been so simple and restful.  

From our family to yours, I wish you a beautiful, beautiful time as we close out 2012 and look ahead to 2013! 

our cozy week

as life changes for me, i'm learning to appreciate the simple things.  the way hot steam come off my first cup of coffee.  the way my baby's little toes sound as they scoot around on the wood floors.  our pup's loud sigh as she settles into a mid-morning nap.  the beautiful, white and heavy snow hanging on tree branches.  i'm so thankful i'm able to slow down in this busy season to really see everything around me.    

it is a chilly and cozy week so far for us.  

we're learning how to climb and stand on literally anything and everything.  (i just love that cute little baby booty)

we've started lighting candles every morning while we get ready for our day.  our house is full of the scent of pine + evergreen + cinnamon.  

i'm not really one to go shopping all the time, but lately we've been taking little trips to the store to get out of the house.  i may have purposely forgotten milk the last time we went to the grocery store so we would have to take another trip back later in the week ... 

every afternoon, i find myself indulging in cup after cup of hot tea.  i haven't found a favorite yet, but this holiday blend is pretty good.  (especially when paired with an oatmeal cookie ... )

i hope you're all feeling loved and blessed this week!

grace for the good girl: #thesamepage week 3

while reading grace for the good girl, one word keeps popping back into my mind -- fear.  fear of not being enough. fear of unknown. fear of failure.  chapters 6-8 really hit on a lot of different masks i have hid behind throughout life because of certain fears i have.

chapter 6 : the rule follower {fear of not being good enough + falling short}
growing up, i was taught that you follow all the rules.  for some reason, i never rebelled against this.  i had this innate fear of not being ___ enough (fill in the blank), so I tried to control my life and any outcomes or situations by abiding to "all the rules".  usually, these rules were ones that i made up in my head at the time.  a "good girl" always smiled and never had anything negative to say.  a "good girl" always was extra helpful to those in need.  a "good girl" should always look nice on the outside, even if she wasn't feeling so nice on the inside.  the author, emily, talks about rules being a "fickle friend and burdensome".  we all know it's hard to keep all the rules, all the time.  and, when we just feel like we don't measure up or we fall short, it's like a heavy weigh is put on our shoulders.  for some reason, along the path of becoming a christian, i decided to adapt my way of "rule following" to how i lived my new christian life.  this mask of discipline and rule following robbed me of being able to see and experience god's true character and understand my need for a savior.  i'm just starting to realize that i can never live up to the expectations and rules i put on myself, nor does god want me to.  i have been shown that this life is about becoming less and accepting shortcomings, failures, and messes.  it's about accepting that we are never enough, but our savior is and we desperately need him.  there is such great, great beauty in this realization!!

"the law was designed to expose our heart condition, to make us see our guilt.  it was never meant to make us righteous." (62)

chapter 7 : hiding behind strength and responsibility {fear of weakness}
oh boy, this is a big one for me.  who doesn't want to appear strong and put together?  who doesn't want to take care of everyone else?  this tends to turn into an unhealthy area of my life for me and i think it stems back to my childhood.  my older sister is autistic, so i felt this intense need to be extremely responsible and mature from a very young age.  i didn't want to cause any more trouble or worry for my parents and i needed to prevent any stress that could potentially happen.  so, i was the sweet, little girl that was quiet and read a lot of books by herself.  whenever i had a problem, i struggled because all i could think about is how i couldn't struggle or complain because i had it so much better compared to my sister.

man, this is a hard act to keep up.  i really didn't want to admit or appear weak.  after becoming a christian, i learned how this world is backwards in thinking about strength.  emily stated it well by saying, "... weakness is the door to strength and jesus calls us to a life of weakness so that he can be strong." (72)  at first, i wasn't able to give up my control and need to be strong and responsible because it gave me a sense of importance.  but, i've gradually realized i'm only serving myself through this perspective and when i allow my weakness to come through, i am able to be closer to jesus and show others more of him.

this walk with jesus and understanding our true sense of self in him is so intricately humbling and vulnerable.  i feel so incredibly blessed and speechless that i don't have to keep "all the rules" or be "all the things" because he is enough and he is the one that wants my attention and life.

our weekend :: the holidays are here!

i keep pinching myself ... really, did thanksgiving just happen?  is christmas less than a month away?

i just love this time of year.  i feel so giddy about everything.  i find myself making mental lists of different gifts i want to make for people, bakery treats i want to make, and family traditions i want to start with our tiny family this year.  i have multiple different plans for our decor and christmas tree ... not to mention the different ideas i have to celebrate advent throughout all of december.  the lists, christmas music and extra sugary treats sweep me up in a euphoria of tinsel and craziness.

thankfully, last night i had some quiet time in a still house.  i found myself thinking of past christmases as a little girl and all of the new traditions to come.  the to-do lists and expectations began to sort themselves out as i realized the importance of slowing down.  slowing down to actually soak up and enjoy this time of year.  slowing down to actually contemplate and understand advent.

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this weekend we had some much needed family time.  on friday night, we went to our town's christmas celebration called "dickens of a christmas".  all of the shop windows are full of people in costumes acting out various classic christmas scenes, traveling musicians are caroling or playing instruments walking up and down the streets, and there are plenty of christmas cookies and hot cider.  it definitely feels like you are transported back in time.  i love it.

then, on saturday we went out with my husband's family to search for some christmas trees.  they have gone to the same place for 20 years to cut down their christmas trees.  it's fun to hike through the woods and try to spot the best tree.  my husband's favorite part, of course, is cutting it down and having to drag it to the car.  :)

our tree is currently up in our dining room, waiting to be decorated.  i'm looking forward to tackling it tonight!

i hope you're enjoying the beginning of this beautiful holiday season.  

settling into motherhood

oh, boy.  oh, baby boy.

motherhood is quite a trip.  a beautiful, beautiful trip.

i thought i half-way knew what to expect with motherhood.  oh, was i wrong.  i didn't think it was possible, but never in my life have i had a deeper understanding about being tired, hungry and in love.  the exhaustion, oh the exhaustion.  i can't even explain it.  and the hunger!  never did i realize i would be able to put away an entire dinner and then be famished again only an hour later.  these are important things, ya'll!  but, nothing matters when you hear little squeals and those chubby baby hands reach up to hold your face as their warm body molds to your chest.

another thing i didn't really know what to expect about motherhood?  the infamous 'mommy guilt' and the overload on information about how to parent.  i often times find myself wanting to make all the right decisions and do all the right things.  {which is crazy because who even defines what's "right" or "wrong" ... }

i'm realizing that the moment i release whatever expectations, pressures + guilt i have into the hands of the only one that matters is the moment i am able to rest in his grace and see intricate beauty in the mess and vulnerability of being a mom.  the moment i let the pressure go of making the best decision is the moment i'm able to actually enjoy being a mom as well.  because, as hard as this is, it is such a privilege to be able to love on and teach a little being.

i can't do it all or be it all.  and the moment i try, is the moment i forget that a gracious god sacrificed it all for me.  {gulp, swallow down that pride of mine ... }

i'm so grateful for every day that i'm able to spend with this little tiny nugget of energy and life.  by trusting and letting go of control and fear, god is unveiling his plans for how he wants to use me to minister to this tiny boy.

i pray that the days i'm struggling to make things work and look pretty on the outside, i'm able to learn to continuously let go and allow god to shape and mold the story he has for me.  i want to show this little one how being okay with messy and vulnerable and real life is so healthy and beautiful.

this story of motherhood is such a tender + humbling experience.

black bean + spinach enchiladas :: good eats

my husband and i love to eat simple and healthy.  it hurts to admit it, but we are definitely foodies.  i'm always on the look out for recipes that don't take too much effort to throw together, but still use whole and healthy flavors and ingredients.  last night we made black bean + spinach enchiladas (in the slow cooker!!) and i knew it was a recipe i had to share with ya'll.

i found this recipe in an issue of real simple magazine that was gathering dust next to our couch.  i'm a lover of spinach and my husband will eat anything with black beans + salsa, so i knew it would be a winner.  also, let's just focus on the amazing-ness of the slow cooker.  i love, love, love being able to prepare meals ahead of time instead of rushing around during the evening hours.

image source

Ingredients

• 1  15.5-ounce can black beans, rinsed
• 1  10-ounce package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed of excess liquid
• 1  cup  frozen corn
• 1/2  teaspoon  ground cumin
• 8  ounces  sharp Cheddar, grated (2 cups)
• kosher salt and black pepper
• 2  16-ounce jars salsa (3 1/2 cups)
• 8  6-inch corn tortillas, warmed
• 1  medium head romaine lettuce, chopped (6 cups)
• 4  radishes, cut into matchsticks
• 1/2  cup  grape tomatoes, halved
• 1/2  cucumber, halved and sliced
• 3  tablespoons  fresh lime juice
• 2  tablespoons  olive oil
• sliced scallions, for serving

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, mash half the beans. Add the spinach, corn, cumin, 1 cup of the Cheddar, the remaining beans, ½ teaspoon salt, and ¼ teaspoon pepper and mix to combine.
2. Spread 1 jar of the salsa in the bottom of a 4- to 6-quart slow cooker. Dividing evenly, roll up the bean mixture in the tortillas (about ½ cup each) and place the rolls seam-side down in a single layer in the slow cooker. Top with the remaining salsa and Cheddar.
3. Cover and cook until heated through, on low for 2½ to 3 hours.
4. Before serving, toss the lettuce, radishes, tomatoes, and cucumber in a large bowl with the lime juice, oil, and ½ teaspoon each salt and pepper. Serve with the enchiladas and sprinkle with the scallions.

we added some additional cheese (we're from wisconsin, of course) and some greek yogurt on the top.  so good.  let me know if you try it out and what you think!  cheers!