Checking In

It's super easy for me to want to check out when life gets challenging. A "quick" five minutes scrolling my phone in the bathroom with the door closed? Grabbing a book before bed instead of diving into conversation with my husband that's been gone all day? Leaving the house for a walk (alone!) when all the freaking legos get dumped out, the couch cushions are all on the floor (again) and matchbox car tracks are scaling almost every surface? 

Sign me up. 

It's tricky. A fresh walk to clear your mind, a new book, getting inspired online... all helpful things. But, I've felt super convicted this past week. It's okay to catch your breath for a bit before you hop back into the game of life, but it's so easy to justify them.

There is good that comes when I decide to lean in instead of checking out. Super painful at times, but awfully rewarding. I was reminded recently that rest and self-care are very important in the right context. Why is it so easy to make every good thing an idol?!

I'm learning that there are no easy answers. There are no formulas. It's not about always being available and saying yes, and it isn't about always resting and minding your margin. It's not necessarily about deleting all the apps or setting a timer. I think it's much grayer and not measurable. 

Maybe living life is more about being content in the situation God placed you and asking for His insight on how to make decisions and use our time well. There are times I know God wants me to do the unexpected and stretch myself beyond the energy or focus I think I have. It doesn't make sense in the world's standards. I can feel my self wanting to check out, but I know that would be a missed opportunity for my vulnerability and dependency on God to shine. 

I want things to be neat and tidy, but I'm learning it's much more about being okay with the unexpected and humbly honest about the needs I may have. I think that might be what a vessel that brings goodness to our community around us looks like. 

settling in

Routine is a funny thing.  My bones crave it and I'm finicky when our life lacks it.  Then, the second our life falls into a steady pace of predictable, I decide that a little more adventure needs to be mixed in to fight the creeping feeling of discontentment.

Push. Pull.  Back and forth the pendulum of contentment swings.

I think this feeling is a natural side effect of living in a world where the possibilities are endless.  There is always more to read, more places to travel, more food to cook, and more people to meet.  There will always be shiny objects that make us look side to side the second our life quiets down.

It's tempting, isn't it?

With the weather turning cooler and the sun going down quicker, our house is settling into a predictable and slow routine.  Every fiber in me wants to fight it, but deep down there is a sense of delight and pleasure with how simple we are forced to be right now.  Every time I find myself starting to get itchy with complacency and start to dream of "what's better", I remind myself of the sweet little sound of pitter patter our boys' feet make on the wood floor.  Or, I think about the hot coffee my husband my presents to me after he tip toes up our old, creaky stairs each morning.  I remember the smell of bread baking and soup bubbling as the sun starts to set.  These are the things I want to remember.

I'll be honest--it's difficult.  I twist and turn and compare.  I often want more, less, something else.  It's a conundrum.

But, the second I'm able to recognize the emotion and detach myself from it's grip, I'm able to relish in the simple.  In what I already have.  I recognize the crazy isn't as crazy as I really think it is.  The strength of the intentional mind is powerful.

Right now, I'm thankful I can take delight in our worn floors and our stained chairs, the loud house when it should be quiet,  and the slow routine my day often falls into.  I'm sure there is a season of life right around the corner that will be full to the brim and I will dream of slower days.  

promises

Praise The Lord, O my soul; 

all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 

Praise The Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits---

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. 

(psalm 103:1-5)

I'm clinging to these verses lately. Life is so beautiful and so raw at the same time, and sometimes all you can do is remind yourself of these promises on repeat until they become so interwoven into your mind, perspective, and actions. 

influence conference linkup!

www.theinfluencenetwork.com

Today I am linking up with many, many lovely ladies that are going to the Influence Conference later this month!  I am beyond excited for the conference this year.  If you are interested even a tiny bit, I strongly urge you to just check out the conference website to see what it's all about.  I went last year on a brave whim and it was the best decision.  I am amazed at the community of women that I have gotten to learn from, have fun with, and just "do life" with through the Influence Conference and network.

We were asked to answer to questions.  So, without further ado, here are my "2 things" ...

2 things I will have packed in my bag:
1) dry shampoo
2) notebook and pen (I'm a note taker, list maker, and everything in between.)

2 things I'm looking forward to about the conference: 
1) Meeting friends (new and old) and having community together over the weekend.  Whether it be over coffee, dinner, late at night in our rooms ... I'm really looking forward to sharing stories.
2) The life sessions.  It's been a busy season for our family, and I can't wait to sit quietly and just soak up some wisdom + learning time.

I really can't wait to see everyone in only a few short weeks!

going through God's story

We are currently going through the entire Bible as a church.  Every Sunday we have focused on a different section of the Bible.  The sermon this morning focused a lot on Paul and his final days.  I didn't expect it, but going through God's entire story chronologically has really refreshed my perspective and given me a different thirst for God that I haven't really experienced before.

Anyways, I feel like I've heard Paul's story so often.  It's the one story I remember most from Sunday School.  I didn't expect to really learn anything new from it this morning.  But, something just didn't sit quite right with me half way through.  Towards the end of Paul's life, he makes the comment that he's "fought the good fight".  He was already "poured out as an offering.... he gave it his all".  

All I could think about from that point on is how desperately I want to be able to say the same thing when that time comes for me.  What kind of a legacy am I leaving?  How am I using my influence and purpose right now to further His goodness? 

I guess it was a reminder for me to stop selling myself short.  To stop making things so complicated.  To know my story and know my purpose.  To believe that God takes ordinary people and gives them a purpose.

It's up to me to know who I was before and after God.  It's up to me to know the God-given purpose I have and to pursue God so much with that in mind that I develop such a passion for living it out.  

Some times I want things to be so easy, but I make them so complicated at the same time.  

Long story short, learning about God's story is giving me a passion for my own story.      

initial thoughts about honduras : part 1

My husband and I traveled to Honduras with Mission Lazarus and just returned home a few days ago.  We had an intense experience while we were there.  I've been waiting for the perfect words to come to me, but I don't think our experience can be pinned down and kept behind words that won't justify the emotions and thoughts I'm having.  It feels like an injustice.  I was hoping to document our days while we were there, but our wireless connection was limited up in the mountains.  It was a gift to have to put pen to paper and write the old fashioned way.  Some of my initial thoughts will have to suffice for now, but I'm not done sharing.  

God is working and moving in Honduras.  The integrity and dignity that the Hondurans have was enough of a lesson for me throughout the week.  Their gentleness and patience as I stumbled and stuttered through the little Spanish I knew brought an instant vulnerability to our quick relationships ... a vulnerability that is hard to come by in America. 

While we were there, we worked with local masons to build a brick house.  Apparently wood houses will only last about a year in Honduras because of the termite situation, and the mission that we were working with wanted to provide something that could last for generations and could be passed down from family member to family member.  When we weren't building, we went to a local school and loved on about 100 kids and taught them about Jesus' love.  During one of our sessions with the students, we asked "why is it important to have a relationship with Jesus?" and a 6 or 7 year old confidently said, "because He saves us".  There is such an innocence and joy that these children possess while living in such dire situations by our standards.  

We visited a trade school were local Hondurans were risking their reputation (and basically their livelihood and live) by teaching youth absolutely beautiful leather and wood working.  These students walked 2 - 3 hours one way to get to school every day.  The effort and determination that they possess is convicting.   

We also spent much of our week discussing Honduran politics and the state of their country.  We had many discussions about how to keep the dignity of the Honduran people while being an American.  It was quite evident that there is great, great work happening in Honduras, but that we as Americans weren't *needed* as we desperately think we are.  God is moving there with or without us.  I became more and more sensitive to the pride factor that some times gets wrapped up in mission work over seas.  

To put it simply, our trip to Honduras was the start of a bit of an unraveling in our hearts and was more of a trip for us than for the people we interacted with there (which seems so crazy and counterintuitive). Being involved in ministry with my husband is such a blessing, but also such hard work.  Working together on this trip opened our eyes to how we want to *do* ministry and what that looks like.

I'm still wrestling with a lot of experiences and memories and crazy thoughts that I hope to share as they rattle themselves out of my heart, through my brain and onto the screen.  I'm looking forward to opening up a discussion about mission work and sharing more about my thoughts and experiences.  

honduras

mission lazarus

I'm leaving for Honduras in a few days.  I haven't been sleeping much and my thoughts are jumbled and fuzzy instead of focused and crisp.  I'm emotional and sentimental and busy (and low on sleep!) ... all things that make things a little wacky when combined.

All I can think about is how much I am going to learn and feel through this trip.  This trip that is supposed to be a trip full of helping and serving others.  Who am I to go?  Who am I to teach and love and serve with these people across the globe?  People that have far, far less than me are going to show me love.  Show me devotion.  Show me service.  Show me community.

To tell you the truth, I'm scared to let myself feel all of these emotions.

Right now I'm a jumbled mess trying to make sense of life and all the thoughts.  But, maybe it's not all about "making sense" of the mess.  Of life.  Of the differences and our shortcomings.  I don't think it's supposed to be all black and white or easy to figure out.

There's a reason life wrecks us some times.

It's all about holding on to that reason and being changed because of it.

Prayers appreciated over the next few weeks.  I'll keep you all updated on our experiences and travels!

summer with a boy

To tell you the truth, I was so nervous to find out that we were having a boy while I was pregnant.  A lot of my friends that were Moms had daughters, I had an older sister, and the majority of my cousins (who are like siblings to me!) are girls as well.  The unknown was daunting and I had no clue how I was going to connect to this little guy that was growing inside of me.  

Now, with a year and a couple months under my belt as a Mom, I couldn't see my life any other way.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are days I wish Ramsey was just a little bit less active and daring, but when I'm honest with myself I realize how much of a gift having an active and adventurous boy has been. 

The summer is going by way too fast (as it always does), but my guy and I have really enjoyed every last bit.  I have really gotten to know him on a different level over the past few months and we have connected like never before.  We have spent more hours outside rather than inside and have explored almost every inch of our backyard and the trails by our house.  It's so much fun to watch him be so purely excited and full of joy.  There is always a hill to climb, some dirt to get into, and some bird searching to be done.    

devil's lake trail run

One of my prayers this summer was to say yes to things that make me nervous. I started the summer knowing that I want to stretch my "fearless muscle" and learn how to be more bold with living my life.

One of the first things on my to do list was to run a trail half marathon. I've ran quite a few races before, but never on a trail (and especially such a technical and steep trail that we would be running at this particular race). I was so excited leading up to the race. I trained on the mountain bike trails that you can see from our back yard (and even got lost a few times...). I still can't believe how amazing it feels to run on a trail. After running on road for years, I never want to do another road race! Being in the woods, dodging roots and rocks, trudging up inclines and flying down hills .... it's gorgeous and so freeing.

The race ended up going quite well. The first 5 or 6 of the miles were a pretty steep incline (I seriously thought to myself "what was I thinking?!!?"), but the view once you got to the top of the cliff and the rush of accomplishment when you came out of the woods and across the finish line was so worth it.  I ended up finishing near the top of my age group and pretty well overall.  I am officially hooked!

We have another endurance trail race on our list for in September. Are there any other trail runners out there?

courageous + bold

I just finished reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and I just can't shake a few thoughts out of my head.  I love it when I finish a book and the inspiration that it evokes lingers for a few days.  "Forgotten God" makes the argument that Christians often down-play and ignore the impact that the Holy Spirit has on our every day lives.  Chan says that we're not here on earth to merely survive, but our fearful and self centered attitudes distract us from living out God's grand and ultimate plan.  I don't know about you, but I tend to be an overly cautious person.  I like control and order in my life.  Figuring out different systems for how to complete a task easier excites me.  I eat the same few things for breakfast and lunch almost every single day.  Clutter makes me feel like I can't breathe.  I like predicability and feeling safe.  

Reading this book really made me stop and think about how I love my safe and predicable life.  I realized I like to depend upon my how understanding way too often than I would like to admit.

But, man, do I ever desire to be courageous and bold.  

"God wants the praise for what we do in our lives. But if we never pray audacious, courageous prayers, how can He answer them? If we never follow Him to positions where we need Him, how can He show up and make His presence known?"

I desire such a needy and dependent relationship with God.  I want to walk with Him morning, noon, and night.  I don't want to get through a day without asking for guidance and listening to nudges. I don't want to just think and plan... I want to courageously act. 

My prayer is that I seek God way more than I seek my own answers and solutions.  That I choose to let Him weave my story into His grand plan instead of clenching the pen in my hand and not letting go of my own plans. I pray that His dreams become my dreams. I pray for His strength to seek, act, and follow. 

five minute friday : "listen"

today i'm linking up with lisa-jo baker and her marvelous idea of "five minute friday". every friday she gives a one word prompt. you write unscripted for five minutes flat. this friday's prompt was "listen". here goes!

--

i sit down next to my friend. warm mug of coffee in hand. we quickly get the normal questions out of the way--kids, husband, job, weather. we sink down a little deeper into our seats and hold our mugs a little closer. i prop my feet up on the edge of the chair. my heart feels like it is going to burst with all the thoughts and emotions i want to share, but i utter no words. i have an urge to fill the silence with random words strung together, but then i realize that silence is golden. and if silence is golden, listening is even better. my friend begins to unfold and share. and i listen.

i leave the coffee house that night with a different and outward perspective.

the simple things

it's spring and starting to feel like summer!  hallelujah.  there is something that just comes alive in me when the temperature warms up, the sun shines, and the leaves begin to green.  i am an outside girl through and through.

i started thinking earlier this week about how fast summer seems to slip by.  it's almost like we rejoice when the temperature starts to warm up and then all of a sudden we trade our bare feet and iced coffee for scarves and spiced lattes.  just thinking about it gets me a little overwhelmed because i want to make sure i squeeze out every little goodness summer has to offer.

so, i decided that i'm going to focus on two little phrases during these summer months to ease the anxiety of it slipping by too quickly and to help keep me intentional about what really matters.

ready for it? (drumroll....)

keep it simple. 
and
be fearless. 

i love the simple things.  great coffee in the morning, getting dirty in the garden, a family walk to the park, fresh sheets on our bed.  some times i don't take the time to relax and realize the amazing goodness that god has already blessed me with.  i really want to stop and savor god's blessings as much as possible this summer.

and, this being fearless thing has me so excited.  being vulnerable and fearless has been on my mind for quite a few months.  i love adventure and community, but i don't always take the time to actually seek it out and foster it.  i tend to just daydream about my crazy ideas without actually taking a step forward with anything.  so, i'm choosing to be a little more fearless this summer.  when my brain says "no" or is hesitant about something fun ... i'm going to give it a whirl instead!

it will be fun to document a few of my thoughts on here throughout the summer months.  is there anything that you're focusing on this summer?

admitting my weakness.

image source

it's been quiet on here for a little while.  mostly because of life changes. transitions of sorts.

nothing crazy big, but just a lot of little things.  i didn't really think much of it.  we have fallen into a healthy routine and way of living as a family, so i thought the little things would be managed well along the way.

but, what i realized this past weekend is that a lot of little things add up to be a big thing. and big things make me want to stay in bed longer.  they make me thirsty for quiet when it feels like the entire day is filled with noise.  these big things sneak up behind me all incognito and knock me down when i least expect it.

and, for some reason, it was hard for me to get up this time.  i feel like i have been fighting tooth and nail to just rise above the tension.  the anxiety.  the long, tired days.

this morning, after a few random tears and a breakfast mishap, i walked upstairs to just catch my breath and collect my thoughts.  to sort of re-calibrate my perspective.  all i could keep thinking about was, "what is wrong with me?  i've got this.  i can handle this.  why is everything (and everyone!) being so difficult?!".  (oh goodness, my pride.)

and then it dawned on me.

i am striving to fight alone.  and all this struggling is causing me to feel all sorts of shame and guilt, which are all too heavy for one person to carry.

i like to be strong.  i like to pride myself on being an independent and healthy woman.

but none of these things matter when i don't have god.


i've been a this place.  many times.  the place of thinking that i have it all together.  i have all the answers.  the fixes.  the solutions.

i look and act the part of the buttoned up, perfect woman.  but, in all reality, i am a mess.  i am anything but neat and tidy and i kind of like it that way.

what i'm learning is that to be christian doesn't mean that you have it all together.  it doesn't mean that you're always happy with kids that are cute and ready to please.  it doesn't mean that you have the perfect house (and you're the perfect host!) for community group.  it doesn't mean you know all the answers to the crazy questions life forces you to ask.

it means that you're weak.  and you're willing to be weak.

to be a christian means to own up to all this messy craziness and admit our need for a savior.

amen. thank goodness.

we went a swingin'

over the weekend, we decided to ignore the lingering snow piles and celebrate spring by taking a trip to the park.  ramsey tried out the swings for the first time and his reaction was priceless!  i wanted to just freeze time and soak up that entire moment.  i can't get enough of his chubby, little legs pumping and swinging and his contagious giggles.  enjoy the little video i captured with our phone.

here's to bare feet, future picnics + park dates, and hoping spring comes soon!

rainy run

image source

I was able to sneak out for a long, slow run over the weekend.  It was exactly the thing that my muscles and mind needed.  I turned left at the end of our driveway and chose the open, rural roads instead of the city sidewalks to the right.  It wasn't raining when I left, but small drops started falling about halfway through.  I have such an (over!)active mind, so I usually try to use my runs as a time to clear my mind, be quiet, and just focus.  All that I could hear throughout the entire time was "I make all things new".  Over and over and over.  

I'm just so amazed that no matter how far I fall.  How messy I get.  No matter what crisis I think I'm in. God continues to make all things new.  Every day.  Every season.  

I know this is something that is often mentioned, but I think we go throughout life forgetting that we have a choice between the new and the old.  Some times it's hard to remember that we have a choice.  Some times it is just easier to stay bitter or lazy or disinterested for awhile.  We have to remind ourselves that this life is not all about us.  Our God is trustworthy and faithful.  There is so much beauty in how God always makes things new.  How every season starts, ends, and is made beautiful.  

I just couldn't keep these thoughts to myself.  Have a great start to your week.  

to write

image source

lately i have started a bad habit of writing, deleting, then re-writing.  there are an abundance of posts in my drafts folder.  now, i know it's good to proofread and make grammatically correct phrases and sentences (oops...).  and there definitely is a time to be particular and intentional about what ever you're trying to accomplish and write.  i love both types of writing.  but, for some reason, i let my perfectionism and insecurities get in the way and i start to forget why i even write in the first place.

i write to sort things out. to process.

i write to share my story. to force myself to be vulnerable. 

i write because i feel most like myself with a pen in my hand, journal opened up, and coffee steaming next to me. 

i write so i can think.   

i don't write to have perfect endings and pretty sentences. 

i don't write to pretend that my life is perfect.  

i don't write to construct a made-up mask or wall that i hide my weird quirks and insecurities behind.  

i don't write because i should or because i have to. 

i write because i choose to.  i write because i would go absolutely nuts if i didn't. 

and, the cool thing is, when i allow myself to write about the crazy nonsense that my mind thinks up, other people don't feel so weird or crazy or different.  other people are inspired and encouraged.

all because i choose to write.  

It's your day, Ramsey-boy.

Ramsey,

Today is your birthday. Your first birthday. A whole year has gone by ever since the moment you came into this world and were placed on my chest. As your momma, I continue to grow more and more entranced with you and your budding personality as every day passes. It's hard for me to even comprehend the complexity of growing you, nourishing you, loving you, and teaching you as you grow before my eyes.

We are starting to really form a relationship and bond. It's almost like we share secrets that no one else knows about. This connection we have continues to surprise me and is so precious to me. I promise you I will try my best to not take that for granted.

I'm finding that I try to prepare my heart and mind for all these milestones with you. But, I'm realizing that I just need to stand in the in-between and feel all the messy and the beautiful at the same time in order to experience it all.

You have changed me over this past year, little boy. I am blessed to be your momma and to have the amazing, challenging, and beautiful responsibility to raise you and love on you.

You are deeply loved,
your mama

a day in the life

I met some amazing women through the Influence Network and started chatting with them monthly.  I am so, so blessed by this online community!  During our last chat, Cammie brought up how it would be fun to share what a typical day looks like in each other's lives.  We decided as a group to do "a day in the life" link up together.  We would love to get to know you better and have you join in!

After planning this post, I realized that there is no "typical" with our family.  Every day and night is so drastically different.  Not only is Ramsey rapidly changing his schedule as he gets older (no more frequent nursing and two-three naps a day...), but Sam and I are involved in ministry, so we have many different nights during the week that are spent with youth group or for a meeting.  We also have a weekly family dinner out at his parents house every Monday night.  Thursday nights are the only night that we guard like crazy and schedule absolutely nothing (if you have a crazy schedule, I highly suggest you do this).  Thursday nights have become our date night at home and mornings + meal times are coveted family time together.  This leaves our nights open for flexibility with our crazy schedule.

So, here's my attempt to write out what a day in my life looks like.  Enjoy the one picture I did remember to snap.  I think it accurately portrays the majority of my day.

---

5:00
coffee starts brewing downstairs (thank goodness for the automatic brew setting!) and our alarm goes off.  it hurts to open my eyes.
5:15
our alarm goes off again.  my husband, sam, gets out of bed and sweetly turns on all the lights, so I follow.  i try not to make our wooden stairs creek too much so our babe stays sleeping.
5:15-6:00
i sit in my favorite chair in our living room and leave all the lights off because it's WAY too early. i decide to light a candle instead.  i use this time to soak up the little quiet (energetic boy, extroverted husband, and playful pup = a LOT of noise all day long) i'll have in the day and pray.  lately i have been writing out my prayers in my journal.  i definitely process through writing.
6:00
sam usually will come into the living room and we'll talk for a little bit before our babe wakes up.  i treasure this one on one time with him.
6:30 
we hear babbling and pounding from upstairs.  ramsey is awake and probably jumping in his crib.
6:35 
i sneak into ramsey's room and try to surprise him in his crib.  i love seeing him in the morning with energy and curiosity already oozing from him.
6:45
i feed ramsey and then sam will take over and have some morning fun with him while i pump.
7:15-8:00
family breakfast time!  banana, raspberries and yogurt for ramsey.  usually kitchen sink oatmeal for me (rolled oats with as much fruit+nuts i can fit into it) and whatever sam is craving (eggs!).  there is a lot of excited yelling and talking going on during breakfast.  as well as nudges and noises from our pup, stella.  ramsey tries to feed stella some of his breakfast.

8:00-8:30
i quickly do the breakfast dishes and throw in a load of laundry while sam and ramsey have some bonding time. i run upstairs to assess whether or not i can make it another day without showering.  i then do a quick makeup routine (under eye concealer!) and throw on my usual skinny jeans and grey tshirt (i might throw in a scarf or a funky cardigan on days i'm needing a little creativity) with boots.
8:30
sam gets ready to leave the house and go to work (which is about 3 minutes away from our house... thank goodness!)
9:00-11:00
ramsey and i play like crazy.  i usually try to read with him, but he just wants to move and wiggle.  we play music and dance, play with stella, build (and destroy) block towers, make animal noises, and anything else that looks interesting.  ramsey is pretty good with playing by himself, so i usually try to spend a quick 5 minutes assessing my email for later.  i'll also switch the laundry over and make a list of to do's for later. after about an hour of playing, we try to get out of the house.  we'll go grocery shopping, check out the library or storytime, visit a friend's house, or stop by the local coffee house.  once it's warmer outside (soon?!) we'll go for a walk and play outside.
11:00 
lunch time for ramsey.  usually left overs or some kind of a deconstructed sandwich (bread, cheese, protein) with fruit and hopefully veggies.  he could eat cheese and berries all day if he had a choice. (i seriously have to hide the cheese from him.)
12:00-2:00ish 
ramsey naps (hopefully for 2-3hours). at 12:30, sam comes home for a quick lunch.  we eat together, talk about our mornings, and what our night looks like.  right after sam leaves, i'll run around like a crazy woman getting as many of the "to dos" checked off my list as i can.  then, i'll sit down to write, catch up on emails, and read.
2:30-6:00
these 3ish hours are usually packed. ramsey wakes up and has a snack. i try to make sure i have all the ingredients for dinner and a plan for how it is all going to come together while ramsey plays in the kitchen cupboards.  i make sure he stays out of the garbage.  we make up some fun game on the kitchen floor until sam gets home.  once sam is home, i talk to him about his day for a few minutes.  then i make sure i have dinner timed out perfectly for 6:00 and head out for a quick run while sam+ramsey play.  once i get home from my run, i'm a blur in the kitchen. (why is it so hard to make sure everything is warm at the same time?!)  i love putting together creative, fresh and healthy meals for us.  i really don't like using anything pre-packaged and i've found it's super easy to put together meals if i plan ahead.

6:00-6:45
we all sit down at the dinner table and let out a sigh of relief.  we made it!  a typical dinner for us is chicken or pork carnitas with corn+beans, omelets, or tilapia/salmon with tons of dill + lemon, couscous, and roasted veggies.  we typically have a rendition of these three meals and leftovers (so easy) every week.  we have just started eating together as a family of 3 (sam and i used to eat after ramsey went to bed).  it's hectic, but we absolutely love it.
6:45-7:30/45
bed time routine.  sam and i love to be a team and get ramsey ready for bed together.  we usually will read with him and try to cuddle (which usually turns into a tickle fight) until it's his bedtime.  sam then sings a little song and we lay ramsey down in his crib.
7:30-9ish
we stare at each other and give each other high fives for getting through another day. sam is finishing up seminary right now, so there are nights that he'll start to work on reading+paper writing for an hour or two while i get some other projects done.  other nights we have meetings to go to at church or we will get together with family/friends. on thursdays, we will try to have some wine together, sit on the coach facing each other and have some quality time before we dive into whatever tv series we're watching on netflix (currently we're watching "the west wing".)  thursdays are my favorite nights.
9:00/10:00 
i get ready for bed and pump again.  i have the hardest time falling asleep, so i'll usually beg sam to turn on npr or the latest jon stewart episode.  i'm learning to just let my mind relax in the quiet though (and sam's thankful for that!)

Here's the one picture I remembered to snap during the day.  I think it does a great job representing the majority of my day. I loved writing this while trying to remember everything.  I might have to do a post like this more often!

Feel free to join the party and link up with us below!

quiet mornings

I have been trying to get up in the wee hours of the morning these past two months for a little bit of quiet time and reflection. There are mornings that I definitely struggle to get out of bed (I'm so thankful for a husband that lures me out with coffee) and day light savings threw me off for a few days (how long can I use that excuse?!), but I feel like I've adapted pretty well to the new schedule.  I still have to convince myself to go to sleep at a decent hour, but that's another story.  It's starting to feel so indulgent to sneak down our creaky stairs with our shaggy pup and pour myself a steamy cup.

There is something so pure about the start of a new day.  I'm so thankful that every day is new.  I know that is such a common concept, but I can't get it out of my mind lately.  Have you ever really meditated on the fact that we can choose to be renewed in God every morning?  God's right there--even if we're weary, even if we feel like we're falling, even if we're confused or just plain tired.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23 

My time in the morning has started to soften my heart around the edges a little bit and my safety walls are starting to crumble bit by bit.  There are many days that I need to recommit myself mid morning to choosing patience, joy, and love instead of bitterness, anger, and laziness.  And then there are those days that I need to refocus every hour.  And that's okay.

Every morning, God is ready to pour out love and grace all over me.  I might feel depleted and ready to throw in the towel by the time it's 8:00, but he never tires of me.

The thought of it all just leaves me speechless.     

not so tiny anymore

Ramsey and I (about 6 months ago)

My little boy turns one this month. I know babies grow up and many mothers have been through the "oh my goodness, they're one!" stage, but I'm still in disbelief.

It's almost like the day Ramsey unexpectedly made his appearance was yesterday, but it also feels like ages ago. After looking at pictures of myself that day, I feel like I don't really know who that woman is holding a tiny newborn staring back at me with tired eyes that haven't even experienced true exhaustion yet.

My son came at such a transformative time in my life -- I just didn't know it. Yes, I know, children change everything. They make you think deeper and re-evaluate who you are and how you act. You have a little human watching you now. You realize the influence and responsibility you have.

But, there was more that changed inside of me. It was more than needing to deal with selfish desires and struggling with having to be responsible for another little human being 24/7.

You see, I wasn't ready to change my priorities. I wasn't ready to balance life or create boundaries.

I wanted to fight the changes and convince myself that life could go on just as it was before.  I could do everything and be everything -- I would just be able to do it all with an adorable little baby now.

I wanted to throw pity parties.  I wanted to wallow in having to let go of "my things", "my time", my views of how life should be lived.  And I did.

Over the past year, God have loosened my fingers and grasp one by one on everything I held tightly.  Let me tell you, it hurts.  At times I want to fight back, battling to taste the sickly sweet feeling of control once again. But, it always results in me laying it all down (or, more like falling) again, desperate for Him.  He continues to graciously soften my prideful heart and shifted my perspective.

This past year has shook me and rocked me and blessed me over and over.

I'm not the same woman.

I don't have the same views or even the same goals.

And I am so ridiculously thankful for that.

Later this month, I won't only be celebrating my little boy turing one.  I will also be celebrating and worshipping this precious, gracious and patient God that continues to bless and mold me beyond comprehension with lessons, trials, and sweet rewards.

I wasn't ready to learn lessons from my baby boy and it was a struggle to accept the change that motherhood would bring into my life a year ago, but I wouldn't have it any other way.