courageous + bold

I just finished reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and I just can't shake a few thoughts out of my head.  I love it when I finish a book and the inspiration that it evokes lingers for a few days.  "Forgotten God" makes the argument that Christians often down-play and ignore the impact that the Holy Spirit has on our every day lives.  Chan says that we're not here on earth to merely survive, but our fearful and self centered attitudes distract us from living out God's grand and ultimate plan.  I don't know about you, but I tend to be an overly cautious person.  I like control and order in my life.  Figuring out different systems for how to complete a task easier excites me.  I eat the same few things for breakfast and lunch almost every single day.  Clutter makes me feel like I can't breathe.  I like predicability and feeling safe.  

Reading this book really made me stop and think about how I love my safe and predicable life.  I realized I like to depend upon my how understanding way too often than I would like to admit.

But, man, do I ever desire to be courageous and bold.  

"God wants the praise for what we do in our lives. But if we never pray audacious, courageous prayers, how can He answer them? If we never follow Him to positions where we need Him, how can He show up and make His presence known?"

I desire such a needy and dependent relationship with God.  I want to walk with Him morning, noon, and night.  I don't want to get through a day without asking for guidance and listening to nudges. I don't want to just think and plan... I want to courageously act. 

My prayer is that I seek God way more than I seek my own answers and solutions.  That I choose to let Him weave my story into His grand plan instead of clenching the pen in my hand and not letting go of my own plans. I pray that His dreams become my dreams. I pray for His strength to seek, act, and follow. 

admitting my weakness.

image source

it's been quiet on here for a little while.  mostly because of life changes. transitions of sorts.

nothing crazy big, but just a lot of little things.  i didn't really think much of it.  we have fallen into a healthy routine and way of living as a family, so i thought the little things would be managed well along the way.

but, what i realized this past weekend is that a lot of little things add up to be a big thing. and big things make me want to stay in bed longer.  they make me thirsty for quiet when it feels like the entire day is filled with noise.  these big things sneak up behind me all incognito and knock me down when i least expect it.

and, for some reason, it was hard for me to get up this time.  i feel like i have been fighting tooth and nail to just rise above the tension.  the anxiety.  the long, tired days.

this morning, after a few random tears and a breakfast mishap, i walked upstairs to just catch my breath and collect my thoughts.  to sort of re-calibrate my perspective.  all i could keep thinking about was, "what is wrong with me?  i've got this.  i can handle this.  why is everything (and everyone!) being so difficult?!".  (oh goodness, my pride.)

and then it dawned on me.

i am striving to fight alone.  and all this struggling is causing me to feel all sorts of shame and guilt, which are all too heavy for one person to carry.

i like to be strong.  i like to pride myself on being an independent and healthy woman.

but none of these things matter when i don't have god.


i've been a this place.  many times.  the place of thinking that i have it all together.  i have all the answers.  the fixes.  the solutions.

i look and act the part of the buttoned up, perfect woman.  but, in all reality, i am a mess.  i am anything but neat and tidy and i kind of like it that way.

what i'm learning is that to be christian doesn't mean that you have it all together.  it doesn't mean that you're always happy with kids that are cute and ready to please.  it doesn't mean that you have the perfect house (and you're the perfect host!) for community group.  it doesn't mean you know all the answers to the crazy questions life forces you to ask.

it means that you're weak.  and you're willing to be weak.

to be a christian means to own up to all this messy craziness and admit our need for a savior.

amen. thank goodness.

rainy run

image source

I was able to sneak out for a long, slow run over the weekend.  It was exactly the thing that my muscles and mind needed.  I turned left at the end of our driveway and chose the open, rural roads instead of the city sidewalks to the right.  It wasn't raining when I left, but small drops started falling about halfway through.  I have such an (over!)active mind, so I usually try to use my runs as a time to clear my mind, be quiet, and just focus.  All that I could hear throughout the entire time was "I make all things new".  Over and over and over.  

I'm just so amazed that no matter how far I fall.  How messy I get.  No matter what crisis I think I'm in. God continues to make all things new.  Every day.  Every season.  

I know this is something that is often mentioned, but I think we go throughout life forgetting that we have a choice between the new and the old.  Some times it's hard to remember that we have a choice.  Some times it is just easier to stay bitter or lazy or disinterested for awhile.  We have to remind ourselves that this life is not all about us.  Our God is trustworthy and faithful.  There is so much beauty in how God always makes things new.  How every season starts, ends, and is made beautiful.  

I just couldn't keep these thoughts to myself.  Have a great start to your week.  

quiet mornings

I have been trying to get up in the wee hours of the morning these past two months for a little bit of quiet time and reflection. There are mornings that I definitely struggle to get out of bed (I'm so thankful for a husband that lures me out with coffee) and day light savings threw me off for a few days (how long can I use that excuse?!), but I feel like I've adapted pretty well to the new schedule.  I still have to convince myself to go to sleep at a decent hour, but that's another story.  It's starting to feel so indulgent to sneak down our creaky stairs with our shaggy pup and pour myself a steamy cup.

There is something so pure about the start of a new day.  I'm so thankful that every day is new.  I know that is such a common concept, but I can't get it out of my mind lately.  Have you ever really meditated on the fact that we can choose to be renewed in God every morning?  God's right there--even if we're weary, even if we feel like we're falling, even if we're confused or just plain tired.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23 

My time in the morning has started to soften my heart around the edges a little bit and my safety walls are starting to crumble bit by bit.  There are many days that I need to recommit myself mid morning to choosing patience, joy, and love instead of bitterness, anger, and laziness.  And then there are those days that I need to refocus every hour.  And that's okay.

Every morning, God is ready to pour out love and grace all over me.  I might feel depleted and ready to throw in the towel by the time it's 8:00, but he never tires of me.

The thought of it all just leaves me speechless.     

not so tiny anymore

Ramsey and I (about 6 months ago)

My little boy turns one this month. I know babies grow up and many mothers have been through the "oh my goodness, they're one!" stage, but I'm still in disbelief.

It's almost like the day Ramsey unexpectedly made his appearance was yesterday, but it also feels like ages ago. After looking at pictures of myself that day, I feel like I don't really know who that woman is holding a tiny newborn staring back at me with tired eyes that haven't even experienced true exhaustion yet.

My son came at such a transformative time in my life -- I just didn't know it. Yes, I know, children change everything. They make you think deeper and re-evaluate who you are and how you act. You have a little human watching you now. You realize the influence and responsibility you have.

But, there was more that changed inside of me. It was more than needing to deal with selfish desires and struggling with having to be responsible for another little human being 24/7.

You see, I wasn't ready to change my priorities. I wasn't ready to balance life or create boundaries.

I wanted to fight the changes and convince myself that life could go on just as it was before.  I could do everything and be everything -- I would just be able to do it all with an adorable little baby now.

I wanted to throw pity parties.  I wanted to wallow in having to let go of "my things", "my time", my views of how life should be lived.  And I did.

Over the past year, God have loosened my fingers and grasp one by one on everything I held tightly.  Let me tell you, it hurts.  At times I want to fight back, battling to taste the sickly sweet feeling of control once again. But, it always results in me laying it all down (or, more like falling) again, desperate for Him.  He continues to graciously soften my prideful heart and shifted my perspective.

This past year has shook me and rocked me and blessed me over and over.

I'm not the same woman.

I don't have the same views or even the same goals.

And I am so ridiculously thankful for that.

Later this month, I won't only be celebrating my little boy turing one.  I will also be celebrating and worshipping this precious, gracious and patient God that continues to bless and mold me beyond comprehension with lessons, trials, and sweet rewards.

I wasn't ready to learn lessons from my baby boy and it was a struggle to accept the change that motherhood would bring into my life a year ago, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

storytelling.

do you ever feel like there are times when you have thoughts and ideas bouncing around like crazy in your head?  almost like there is inspiration every where you look?  this happens for me quite a bit (usually after my second cup of coffee).  i'm always finding myself pondering about community, self reflection, the latest inspiring photos in the kinfolk magazine, and other inspiring topics. 

instead of letting the thoughts take stock up in my mind, i decided to start recording them.  

maybe they'll spark something inside of you. maybe not. 

so, you could consider this a new series titled "inspiration fueled by coffee" 

("or, meg is a crazy person that needs to shut off her brain once in awhile...").

enjoy!

{source}

the stories we tell ourselves.

stories of falling short.  of not doing enough, being enough, saying enough, creating enough, or accomplishing enough.

i have defined myself by these stories for much of my life.  some of the stories are about situations that have happened in the past that i think still define me.  some of them are manufactured by my ever buzzing brain.

it's time to own these stories.  to recognize them.  to reconcile them.

to own our past.  to accept our past.

to realize the place they have in the bigger story.

to stop living in a place of fear and regret.

it's time to close the last chapter and start a new book.

a book brimming with life and beauty.

a book authored by the one that gifts us with grace, abundance and freedom when we identify and define our stories in Him.

because if we never allow ourselves to move on from one chapter, we'll miss out on the acceptance and freedom to start another.


--

a little inspiration

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” 

Mother Teresa

I read this quote a few days ago and I just can't forget it.  "Be the living expression of God's kindness...".  
I just love the emotion + inspiration that phrase evokes in me.  It doesn't get any better than that, does it?

His inheritance

Baby boy, when I hold you, the world stops spinning.  My mind slows down.  Everything feels right.  Tears sting my eyes, my shoulders relax, and my heart feels so full and heavy of love.  My arms melt and my chest aches.  I pray that you are able to see a real and true love through my eyes, my actions, my words.  It isn't a mystery that this world is hard and we're both going to make plenty of mistakes along this adventure together.  It isn't going to be easy, but I pray that I'm able to guide you more out of love + grace instead of fear + pride.  You are His inheritance and such a blessing to me.

the pendulum between grace and determination

A few days ago I posted about my thoughts about New Years resolutions.  I expressed how I was hesitant to make any resolutions because I didn't want to take my focus off of God, his strength + his plan and put it on myself and my own grand plan for my life.

A little back story -- If you've been reading my thoughts and notes here for a little while, you probably can gather that I struggle with being a Type-A planner and perfectionist.  2012 was a huge year for me.  A lot of amazingly, beautiful + God orchestrated things happened in my life that led me to a place where I was faced with the decision to either deal with my perspective on life or to be perpetually unhappy and exhausted with myself and my expectations.  Of course, this is something that I will always carry along with me because I'm human, but there was definitely a healing process and a perspective shift that I had to go through.  I realized I needed to actually accept God's grace instead of just understand it.  I also needed to offer myself grace.  {{side bar: Influence (the women I met, the speakers, the Word that was shared, the community, etc.) was a catalyst for all of my thoughts about this. I can't say enough about the community. Simply amazing.}}

Ok, back to the point.  I couldn't get the thoughts about 2013 that I wrote about out of my head after I hit publish.  I thought about them in bed at night, when I woke up in the morning, in the shower.  Finally, I realized I needed to really sit down and pray about it.  I put the babe to bed last night and sat cross legged on the floor with my journal and bible ready to just be.  I felt like I was in the tension of wanting to be gentle on myself, but also feeling inspired and wanting to move forward with life.

I realized by trying to protect myself from expectations and perfectionism, I essentially was paralyzing myself from committing to anything.  I was living in a state of not really owning anything.  I definitely think there are times in our lives where we need to turn our brains off and accept rest and space from God in order to heal and restore ourselves.  I think I needed that for a few months.  But, now I want to actively love and live my life fully and freely as God intends and moves through me.

I now realize that commitment is needed.  I can't live on the fence while trying to protect myself from failure, mistakes, hurt.  God intended me to accept rest for awhile, but now I'm just paralyzed by fear.  My fear of failure.  Fear of unknown.

I realized I was so paralyzed and protected that I wasn't allowing God in to show me his purpose for me.  I was seeing His beauty, but I wasn't experiencing it.  

This is such a sensitive tension in life... the pendulum between offering yourself grace, but also being determined and setting goals.  I know one thing for sure, I want to life, breathe, feel, + fully experience God's beauty and plan.  I want Him to move me with what ever he intends.  And, He can't do that if I'm  paralyzed.

fear of approval + owning your story

owning your story.  what does that even mean?

today i sat down with the intent to write about 'my story'.  i wanted to write about who i thought i was and the experiences i've been through that i think make up who i am and what i stand for.  basically things that have happened in my life that make me, me.  i definitely believe that we are all living out different stories for a purpose and a reason.  ((read a million miles in a thousand years by donald miller if you want to dive deeper into the 'living out a story' thought. great, great book.))

so, i sit here and stare at the computer screen.  i'm unable to adequately put into words what my story actually is.  i'm unable to articulate the purpose and passion i'm trying to live out.  the purpose that god has uniquely designed me for.

and it hit me.

until recently, i have let other people determine my story.  i possessed a deep and heavy fear of approval.  it was so strong that i didn't let my true self out from under the different masks i wore.  i adopted stories from people that i admired and i let other people determine what my story was based on their assumptions of me.

you know what i realized?  it's so easy to live in fear.  it's so easy to just please others and do what you think is expected of you.  it's easier and less challenging to live out someone else's story.  to act like them.  make decisions like them.  we think that if we do this, we guard ourselves from hurt.

the truth is, by wearing a mask and living our lives as someone else (or a bunch of different people), we are essentially telling ourselves that we aren't worth it.  our story isn't meaningful or "special" enough to be known.  in the end, we do more hurt to ourselves by going down this fearful road.  the sad this is, the longer you let fear and other people define you, the farther away you get from your true purpose.  it gets harder to unearth who you really are.  god designed me in such a beautiful and specific way.  when i trust in him and believe in that truth, i am blessed beyond belief.  why would i want to shy away from that?

and, i guess, this exploration of all the years i was too afraid to live out my own story makes me unique and forms my story more than i'm giving myself credit.  i guess it's a "preface" to the rest of the story of sorts.

so, all of this to say that i'm striving to take the mask off.  with god's help + strength, i'm taking a time-out and not playing the game of fear any more.  if this means being uncomfortable, so be it.  i would much rather live in discomfort, rest in god's grace and strength, and feel confident in the woman i am than live in comfort while hiding who i am.

phew.  that felt great to get out.

offering grace

Ok.  I'm about to get real.

I'm so judgmental.

There. I said it. ((deep breath))

I'm so quick to judge others.  I easily can criticize myself.  For some reason, "real life" just isn't good enough.  That woman at the coffee shop with her screaming baby? -- she totally should leave the room instead of sitting there and letting it echo (been there, done that).  That man sitting next to his wife, but barely putting his phone down long enough to even give her a loving glance across the table? -- he is so selfish.  Don't even get me started on myself.  I should dress a little cuter, make healthier dinners (perhaps granola with a side of cheese and crackers the 3rd day in a row isn't that great?!), I should pursue my husband more, and be present with R when he's wanting to play.

Grace.

What a beautiful word, right?  I thought I understood this word for years.  But, surprise!, I really didn't.  Our family is in a crazy (but good!) season right now, and these messy & ugly little realizations are bubbling up.  God has a funny way of making that happen.  We go through different situations in life (good and bad), and some times deep, dark things about ourselves are unearthed.  I'm so thankful for this.  Thankful that I'm provided with a chance (or 2... 3... 6 chances) to be able to learn more about myself through God's character.

I think my focus on "perfectionism" is what influences my judgy outlook. Vulnerability is scary.  And, in order to be vulnerable, you need to accept the messiness of life. You need to accept the brokenness of yourself and everyone around you. We can't be perfect. We have fallen. Time and time again.

Grace.

God's whole plan. God's grace is beautiful. Life takes on a different light once we accept his grace and live/act out of his grace. I don't think I really ever took the time to stop and receive God's grace until recently. I thought abut it a lot, but i never accepted it. Maybe because deep down I thought I was "good enough"?  I ignored the mess and desperate need for him.

So, today (and every day to come) I'm going to try to accept vulnerability and God's grace. Accept the beautiful, beautiful mess that we are as humans and the crazy lives we live.  I want people to see Christ when they interact with me -- not a "perfect" or put together Meg.

I'm going to pray that the second my eyes open in the morning, God moves through me during the day and I shut off the thoughts in my mind telling me that I need to be better and try harder.  Those "p words" will be the end of me (perfectionism and pride...).  I know I will fall and fail time and time again -- but that's the reality of it all.  Accepting grace is a totally different thing than just understanding grace (which is still quite important).  

Grace. Grace. Grace.  Rest in grace.

Rest.

when the quiet moments sink in

Lately I have avoided the quiet moments. The moments when your thoughts settle, sort themselves out, and start to flood your mind and soul.  Usually I love being quiet--it's when inspiration hits me and gets me giddy.  It's when I can hear God nudge and whisper.  It's when I'm able to see the beauty in the simple things--the way my love's eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way sunflowers turn towards the sun, or the green beauty of fields blowing rhythmically in the wind.

I think I've avoided being quiet lately because I'm fearful.  I can tell there are a bundle of things brewing up inside my chest and I'm nervous to unleash it all.  Instead of embracing and seeking out time to reflect, I am busy doing anything and everything.  Some times I don't even shut off my mind--I continue to let the anxious thoughts of absolutely nothing run circles in my mind.

Perfectionism.
Fear of falling short.
Fear of the unknown.

Today I was able to sit down and breathe. I think we all have seasons when we would rather ignore life.  We get tired or too comfortable, so we put our days on repeat and busy our bodies and minds until they are numb.  Thank goodness God understands this imperfect journey of life we're on.  He gets us before we even "get" ourselves. He plants seeds in us that he just waits for us to unleash and comprehend.

God knows the anxious thoughts of our hearts.  He plants and harvests in us the crazy dreams that breed uncertainty and fear.  He has awesome purpose for us through seasons of quiet and seasons of uncertainty.  He is all knowing--He sees all of us.  He knows every shortcoming, every fear, every weird thought, every insecurity ... yet He still loves us.

He still loves us. 

Through loud seasons.  Quiet seasons.  Stormy and broken seasons.  Seasons of ignorance and seasons of complete awareness.

All of this to say that we all have purpose.  There's no reason to search for unattainable perfection.  Once we accept that God sees all of us and still loves us, it's a little bit easier to search for and live out our purpose.

There's no reason to fear the quiet moments, because we don't need to fear imperfection.

Here's to living real and living out loud the passions and purpose the God has imprinted on our minds and hearts.  Let's unleash ourselves from the fear of the quiet and the grasp of perfection and just be.

Just be.


{{This post was entirely fueled by too much coffee and was highly therapeutic.  I now realize my words could make absolutey no sense to you, but in embracing imperfection I'm choosing to overlook at fact.  Enjoy!}}