admitting my weakness.

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it's been quiet on here for a little while.  mostly because of life changes. transitions of sorts.

nothing crazy big, but just a lot of little things.  i didn't really think much of it.  we have fallen into a healthy routine and way of living as a family, so i thought the little things would be managed well along the way.

but, what i realized this past weekend is that a lot of little things add up to be a big thing. and big things make me want to stay in bed longer.  they make me thirsty for quiet when it feels like the entire day is filled with noise.  these big things sneak up behind me all incognito and knock me down when i least expect it.

and, for some reason, it was hard for me to get up this time.  i feel like i have been fighting tooth and nail to just rise above the tension.  the anxiety.  the long, tired days.

this morning, after a few random tears and a breakfast mishap, i walked upstairs to just catch my breath and collect my thoughts.  to sort of re-calibrate my perspective.  all i could keep thinking about was, "what is wrong with me?  i've got this.  i can handle this.  why is everything (and everyone!) being so difficult?!".  (oh goodness, my pride.)

and then it dawned on me.

i am striving to fight alone.  and all this struggling is causing me to feel all sorts of shame and guilt, which are all too heavy for one person to carry.

i like to be strong.  i like to pride myself on being an independent and healthy woman.

but none of these things matter when i don't have god.


i've been a this place.  many times.  the place of thinking that i have it all together.  i have all the answers.  the fixes.  the solutions.

i look and act the part of the buttoned up, perfect woman.  but, in all reality, i am a mess.  i am anything but neat and tidy and i kind of like it that way.

what i'm learning is that to be christian doesn't mean that you have it all together.  it doesn't mean that you're always happy with kids that are cute and ready to please.  it doesn't mean that you have the perfect house (and you're the perfect host!) for community group.  it doesn't mean you know all the answers to the crazy questions life forces you to ask.

it means that you're weak.  and you're willing to be weak.

to be a christian means to own up to all this messy craziness and admit our need for a savior.

amen. thank goodness.

we went a swingin'

over the weekend, we decided to ignore the lingering snow piles and celebrate spring by taking a trip to the park.  ramsey tried out the swings for the first time and his reaction was priceless!  i wanted to just freeze time and soak up that entire moment.  i can't get enough of his chubby, little legs pumping and swinging and his contagious giggles.  enjoy the little video i captured with our phone.

here's to bare feet, future picnics + park dates, and hoping spring comes soon!

rainy run

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I was able to sneak out for a long, slow run over the weekend.  It was exactly the thing that my muscles and mind needed.  I turned left at the end of our driveway and chose the open, rural roads instead of the city sidewalks to the right.  It wasn't raining when I left, but small drops started falling about halfway through.  I have such an (over!)active mind, so I usually try to use my runs as a time to clear my mind, be quiet, and just focus.  All that I could hear throughout the entire time was "I make all things new".  Over and over and over.  

I'm just so amazed that no matter how far I fall.  How messy I get.  No matter what crisis I think I'm in. God continues to make all things new.  Every day.  Every season.  

I know this is something that is often mentioned, but I think we go throughout life forgetting that we have a choice between the new and the old.  Some times it's hard to remember that we have a choice.  Some times it is just easier to stay bitter or lazy or disinterested for awhile.  We have to remind ourselves that this life is not all about us.  Our God is trustworthy and faithful.  There is so much beauty in how God always makes things new.  How every season starts, ends, and is made beautiful.  

I just couldn't keep these thoughts to myself.  Have a great start to your week.  

to write

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lately i have started a bad habit of writing, deleting, then re-writing.  there are an abundance of posts in my drafts folder.  now, i know it's good to proofread and make grammatically correct phrases and sentences (oops...).  and there definitely is a time to be particular and intentional about what ever you're trying to accomplish and write.  i love both types of writing.  but, for some reason, i let my perfectionism and insecurities get in the way and i start to forget why i even write in the first place.

i write to sort things out. to process.

i write to share my story. to force myself to be vulnerable. 

i write because i feel most like myself with a pen in my hand, journal opened up, and coffee steaming next to me. 

i write so i can think.   

i don't write to have perfect endings and pretty sentences. 

i don't write to pretend that my life is perfect.  

i don't write to construct a made-up mask or wall that i hide my weird quirks and insecurities behind.  

i don't write because i should or because i have to. 

i write because i choose to.  i write because i would go absolutely nuts if i didn't. 

and, the cool thing is, when i allow myself to write about the crazy nonsense that my mind thinks up, other people don't feel so weird or crazy or different.  other people are inspired and encouraged.

all because i choose to write.