courageous + bold

I just finished reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and I just can't shake a few thoughts out of my head.  I love it when I finish a book and the inspiration that it evokes lingers for a few days.  "Forgotten God" makes the argument that Christians often down-play and ignore the impact that the Holy Spirit has on our every day lives.  Chan says that we're not here on earth to merely survive, but our fearful and self centered attitudes distract us from living out God's grand and ultimate plan.  I don't know about you, but I tend to be an overly cautious person.  I like control and order in my life.  Figuring out different systems for how to complete a task easier excites me.  I eat the same few things for breakfast and lunch almost every single day.  Clutter makes me feel like I can't breathe.  I like predicability and feeling safe.  

Reading this book really made me stop and think about how I love my safe and predicable life.  I realized I like to depend upon my how understanding way too often than I would like to admit.

But, man, do I ever desire to be courageous and bold.  

"God wants the praise for what we do in our lives. But if we never pray audacious, courageous prayers, how can He answer them? If we never follow Him to positions where we need Him, how can He show up and make His presence known?"

I desire such a needy and dependent relationship with God.  I want to walk with Him morning, noon, and night.  I don't want to get through a day without asking for guidance and listening to nudges. I don't want to just think and plan... I want to courageously act. 

My prayer is that I seek God way more than I seek my own answers and solutions.  That I choose to let Him weave my story into His grand plan instead of clenching the pen in my hand and not letting go of my own plans. I pray that His dreams become my dreams. I pray for His strength to seek, act, and follow. 

rainy run

image source

I was able to sneak out for a long, slow run over the weekend.  It was exactly the thing that my muscles and mind needed.  I turned left at the end of our driveway and chose the open, rural roads instead of the city sidewalks to the right.  It wasn't raining when I left, but small drops started falling about halfway through.  I have such an (over!)active mind, so I usually try to use my runs as a time to clear my mind, be quiet, and just focus.  All that I could hear throughout the entire time was "I make all things new".  Over and over and over.  

I'm just so amazed that no matter how far I fall.  How messy I get.  No matter what crisis I think I'm in. God continues to make all things new.  Every day.  Every season.  

I know this is something that is often mentioned, but I think we go throughout life forgetting that we have a choice between the new and the old.  Some times it's hard to remember that we have a choice.  Some times it is just easier to stay bitter or lazy or disinterested for awhile.  We have to remind ourselves that this life is not all about us.  Our God is trustworthy and faithful.  There is so much beauty in how God always makes things new.  How every season starts, ends, and is made beautiful.  

I just couldn't keep these thoughts to myself.  Have a great start to your week.  

storytelling.

do you ever feel like there are times when you have thoughts and ideas bouncing around like crazy in your head?  almost like there is inspiration every where you look?  this happens for me quite a bit (usually after my second cup of coffee).  i'm always finding myself pondering about community, self reflection, the latest inspiring photos in the kinfolk magazine, and other inspiring topics. 

instead of letting the thoughts take stock up in my mind, i decided to start recording them.  

maybe they'll spark something inside of you. maybe not. 

so, you could consider this a new series titled "inspiration fueled by coffee" 

("or, meg is a crazy person that needs to shut off her brain once in awhile...").

enjoy!

{source}

the stories we tell ourselves.

stories of falling short.  of not doing enough, being enough, saying enough, creating enough, or accomplishing enough.

i have defined myself by these stories for much of my life.  some of the stories are about situations that have happened in the past that i think still define me.  some of them are manufactured by my ever buzzing brain.

it's time to own these stories.  to recognize them.  to reconcile them.

to own our past.  to accept our past.

to realize the place they have in the bigger story.

to stop living in a place of fear and regret.

it's time to close the last chapter and start a new book.

a book brimming with life and beauty.

a book authored by the one that gifts us with grace, abundance and freedom when we identify and define our stories in Him.

because if we never allow ourselves to move on from one chapter, we'll miss out on the acceptance and freedom to start another.


--

the choice

{source}

I sit down and try to write.  It's almost like I have so many thoughts just bouncing around in my head and I'm trying to slow down to catch one of them to savor and put down on paper.  But, alas I'm too slow.  The thoughts escape out of my hands before I can grasp them and I sit there, feeling overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed, but excited.

I have emotions and inspirations pulsating through me.  I'm starting to see beauty and life and purpose in things that seemed dormant before.

I feel alive again after a season of hibernating.

I want to sit and savor.  Savor the streams of sunlight hitting the wood floor.  Savor the baby coos that are quickly turning to babbling + talking.  Savor the endless inspiration I have for creative project after creative project.  Savor the courageous vulnerability that is daring inside of me.

So, that's what I'm choosing to do.  I'm slowing down to savor.  To taste.  To see.  To feel.  To appreciate.

And to prepare myself for the moving part that will follow.  The part where the pen hits the page.  The brush strokes the canvas.  The details and determination come into play.  Action.

Because, I'm so good with the inspiration.  With the thinking.  And the over-thinking.

But, the action is another story.  With intentionality comes vulnerability.  

Some times it's safe to stay in the thinking part.  But, I don't want to stay safe.  I don't want to be comfortable.  So often I've complained of being paralyzed, creatively dry, lacking purpose, searching for beauty with no beauty to find.

I'm deciding that action is a choice.  A choice I want to be daring enough to make.

So, I'm going to allow myself to savor for a little while.  Soak it all in.

And then, I'm going to step out in faith and out of fear.

Because this life is meant to be lived.

And I'm going to live it.

ephesians 2:10

for we are god's masterpiece. 

he created us anew in christ jesus, 

so we can do the things he planned for us long ago. 

eph. 2:10

***

this verse continues to come to me while i'm running.  showering.  writing.  making dinner.  when i'm trying to get comfortable and fall asleep at night.  

for some reason, i can't shake it.  it's a verse that i've heard time and time again, but it's starting to take on a different meaning to me.  

we are his workmanship.  his masterpiece.  

masterpiece?  really?  do i really believe that and live that out? 

we are designed.  we have unique purpose.  unique perspective.  unique lives, characteristics, quirks, and passions.  (and, let me tell you, i've been blessed with many quirks.  endearing quirks as we like to call them in our house.)

i'm starting to realize the power this verse has when i meditate on it and believe it.  i'm realizing that my mind has such power over how i feel and live.  if i think about myself and my life in a certain way, i'm going to start to believe whatever it is my mind is telling me.  the version of myself that god sees is still there, it's just buried under layers and walls of other lies and stories i've told myself.  and living from behind all those walls and barriers is so suffocating and destructive.

our minds are so powerful. 

but, thankfully, god is even more powerful. 

i'm finding that this has to be a daily reminder for me.  a renewal of my mind right before my feet hit the chilly floor.  

also, how amazing + beautiful is the book of ephesians?  i've always felt a tug towards it, but i'm loving it more and more each time i come back to read through it. 

have a wonderful day, everyone!

fake it to make it.

There are two situations that I get a lot of ideas during--running and showering.  Unfortunately, it's difficult to write anything down during these two times. I'm working on ideas to solve this.  In the mean time, here is something that came to me this morning while on a run ...

***

source

I used to tell myself this phrase all the time.

"Fake it to make it."

It was a phrase that got me through a lot of uncomfortable and self conscious situations.  During the year and a half leading up to opening our coffee house, I repeated this phrase over and over to myself.  I was meeting with city officials, business owners, and tons of volunteers that wanted to help out with the renovating and planning.  I was fresh out of college and felt like such a little girl.

I remember repeating this phrase throughout the beginning weeks (months?! ... It's all a blur!) of having our first little babe.  Me?  A mom?

In the past, I remember feeling inadequate while meeting up with different women or talking with random people out in the community.  I wanted to appear polished, put together, and poised.  Ask anyone that knows me, and these 3 words definitely do not describe me.  I am as messy, chaotic, and random as they come.  

I think that uttering "fake it to make it" can definitely help boost our confidence when we're in a situation that requires us to truly believe in ourselves and our capabilities. But, you know what, I also think it sucks us dry of the ability to be vulnerable with others.

Vulnerability. It's real. It's hard. It hurts.

But it's where honesty collides with humility. It's where we extend ourselves and let other people in.  When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we take our masks off and the handful of security walls we've built tumble down.  

When our masks come off and our walls fall down, we make ourselves available.  Available to extend and receive love.  We free ourselves to grow and connect.  Form community with others.

We free ourselves to experience the beauty of our lives.  Beauty that comes in all different forms.

I honestly still struggle with what a good balance is of all of this.  But, I know one this is true.  I want to look back on life and know that I took risks while still being my crazy self instead of pretending to be someone else. I want to experience life and all the beauty (and hurts) it has for me instead of living behind a safe phrase or various security walls that keep me safe. 

So, maybe I'll have to utter "fake it to make it" a few more times to get me that boost of confidence I need while trying to cross a goal off my life life, but I also want to remember the importance and freedom of truly being ME.

a little inspiration

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” 

Mother Teresa

I read this quote a few days ago and I just can't forget it.  "Be the living expression of God's kindness...".  
I just love the emotion + inspiration that phrase evokes in me.  It doesn't get any better than that, does it?

His inheritance

Baby boy, when I hold you, the world stops spinning.  My mind slows down.  Everything feels right.  Tears sting my eyes, my shoulders relax, and my heart feels so full and heavy of love.  My arms melt and my chest aches.  I pray that you are able to see a real and true love through my eyes, my actions, my words.  It isn't a mystery that this world is hard and we're both going to make plenty of mistakes along this adventure together.  It isn't going to be easy, but I pray that I'm able to guide you more out of love + grace instead of fear + pride.  You are His inheritance and such a blessing to me.

the pendulum between grace and determination

A few days ago I posted about my thoughts about New Years resolutions.  I expressed how I was hesitant to make any resolutions because I didn't want to take my focus off of God, his strength + his plan and put it on myself and my own grand plan for my life.

A little back story -- If you've been reading my thoughts and notes here for a little while, you probably can gather that I struggle with being a Type-A planner and perfectionist.  2012 was a huge year for me.  A lot of amazingly, beautiful + God orchestrated things happened in my life that led me to a place where I was faced with the decision to either deal with my perspective on life or to be perpetually unhappy and exhausted with myself and my expectations.  Of course, this is something that I will always carry along with me because I'm human, but there was definitely a healing process and a perspective shift that I had to go through.  I realized I needed to actually accept God's grace instead of just understand it.  I also needed to offer myself grace.  {{side bar: Influence (the women I met, the speakers, the Word that was shared, the community, etc.) was a catalyst for all of my thoughts about this. I can't say enough about the community. Simply amazing.}}

Ok, back to the point.  I couldn't get the thoughts about 2013 that I wrote about out of my head after I hit publish.  I thought about them in bed at night, when I woke up in the morning, in the shower.  Finally, I realized I needed to really sit down and pray about it.  I put the babe to bed last night and sat cross legged on the floor with my journal and bible ready to just be.  I felt like I was in the tension of wanting to be gentle on myself, but also feeling inspired and wanting to move forward with life.

I realized by trying to protect myself from expectations and perfectionism, I essentially was paralyzing myself from committing to anything.  I was living in a state of not really owning anything.  I definitely think there are times in our lives where we need to turn our brains off and accept rest and space from God in order to heal and restore ourselves.  I think I needed that for a few months.  But, now I want to actively love and live my life fully and freely as God intends and moves through me.

I now realize that commitment is needed.  I can't live on the fence while trying to protect myself from failure, mistakes, hurt.  God intended me to accept rest for awhile, but now I'm just paralyzed by fear.  My fear of failure.  Fear of unknown.

I realized I was so paralyzed and protected that I wasn't allowing God in to show me his purpose for me.  I was seeing His beauty, but I wasn't experiencing it.  

This is such a sensitive tension in life... the pendulum between offering yourself grace, but also being determined and setting goals.  I know one thing for sure, I want to life, breathe, feel, + fully experience God's beauty and plan.  I want Him to move me with what ever he intends.  And, He can't do that if I'm  paralyzed.

fear of approval + owning your story

owning your story.  what does that even mean?

today i sat down with the intent to write about 'my story'.  i wanted to write about who i thought i was and the experiences i've been through that i think make up who i am and what i stand for.  basically things that have happened in my life that make me, me.  i definitely believe that we are all living out different stories for a purpose and a reason.  ((read a million miles in a thousand years by donald miller if you want to dive deeper into the 'living out a story' thought. great, great book.))

so, i sit here and stare at the computer screen.  i'm unable to adequately put into words what my story actually is.  i'm unable to articulate the purpose and passion i'm trying to live out.  the purpose that god has uniquely designed me for.

and it hit me.

until recently, i have let other people determine my story.  i possessed a deep and heavy fear of approval.  it was so strong that i didn't let my true self out from under the different masks i wore.  i adopted stories from people that i admired and i let other people determine what my story was based on their assumptions of me.

you know what i realized?  it's so easy to live in fear.  it's so easy to just please others and do what you think is expected of you.  it's easier and less challenging to live out someone else's story.  to act like them.  make decisions like them.  we think that if we do this, we guard ourselves from hurt.

the truth is, by wearing a mask and living our lives as someone else (or a bunch of different people), we are essentially telling ourselves that we aren't worth it.  our story isn't meaningful or "special" enough to be known.  in the end, we do more hurt to ourselves by going down this fearful road.  the sad this is, the longer you let fear and other people define you, the farther away you get from your true purpose.  it gets harder to unearth who you really are.  god designed me in such a beautiful and specific way.  when i trust in him and believe in that truth, i am blessed beyond belief.  why would i want to shy away from that?

and, i guess, this exploration of all the years i was too afraid to live out my own story makes me unique and forms my story more than i'm giving myself credit.  i guess it's a "preface" to the rest of the story of sorts.

so, all of this to say that i'm striving to take the mask off.  with god's help + strength, i'm taking a time-out and not playing the game of fear any more.  if this means being uncomfortable, so be it.  i would much rather live in discomfort, rest in god's grace and strength, and feel confident in the woman i am than live in comfort while hiding who i am.

phew.  that felt great to get out.

offering grace

Ok.  I'm about to get real.

I'm so judgmental.

There. I said it. ((deep breath))

I'm so quick to judge others.  I easily can criticize myself.  For some reason, "real life" just isn't good enough.  That woman at the coffee shop with her screaming baby? -- she totally should leave the room instead of sitting there and letting it echo (been there, done that).  That man sitting next to his wife, but barely putting his phone down long enough to even give her a loving glance across the table? -- he is so selfish.  Don't even get me started on myself.  I should dress a little cuter, make healthier dinners (perhaps granola with a side of cheese and crackers the 3rd day in a row isn't that great?!), I should pursue my husband more, and be present with R when he's wanting to play.

Grace.

What a beautiful word, right?  I thought I understood this word for years.  But, surprise!, I really didn't.  Our family is in a crazy (but good!) season right now, and these messy & ugly little realizations are bubbling up.  God has a funny way of making that happen.  We go through different situations in life (good and bad), and some times deep, dark things about ourselves are unearthed.  I'm so thankful for this.  Thankful that I'm provided with a chance (or 2... 3... 6 chances) to be able to learn more about myself through God's character.

I think my focus on "perfectionism" is what influences my judgy outlook. Vulnerability is scary.  And, in order to be vulnerable, you need to accept the messiness of life. You need to accept the brokenness of yourself and everyone around you. We can't be perfect. We have fallen. Time and time again.

Grace.

God's whole plan. God's grace is beautiful. Life takes on a different light once we accept his grace and live/act out of his grace. I don't think I really ever took the time to stop and receive God's grace until recently. I thought abut it a lot, but i never accepted it. Maybe because deep down I thought I was "good enough"?  I ignored the mess and desperate need for him.

So, today (and every day to come) I'm going to try to accept vulnerability and God's grace. Accept the beautiful, beautiful mess that we are as humans and the crazy lives we live.  I want people to see Christ when they interact with me -- not a "perfect" or put together Meg.

I'm going to pray that the second my eyes open in the morning, God moves through me during the day and I shut off the thoughts in my mind telling me that I need to be better and try harder.  Those "p words" will be the end of me (perfectionism and pride...).  I know I will fall and fail time and time again -- but that's the reality of it all.  Accepting grace is a totally different thing than just understanding grace (which is still quite important).  

Grace. Grace. Grace.  Rest in grace.

Rest.

what's your one thing?

click for image link

I was talking with a friend the other day (who also happens to be my amazing sis-in-law... Hi, Megan!) and she said something that I just can't get out of my head.  We were discussing the different projects that we are excited to accomplish, some areas in life we are striving to improve in, and other goals that we have in mind for ourselves.  I was deep in discussion about my long laundry list of goals and things I wanted to do better.  My friend gracefully stopped me and asked ...

"This is all so good.  But, it sounds like you have so many things that you're trying to be perfect in.  What's one thing right now that you really want to focus on?" 

A statement so simple was extremely profound for me in that moment.

I am a dreamer.  I feed off of inspiration.  I have lists and notebooks full of writing ideas, conferences or groups to put together, and home projects to do.  (and... and... and...)  Along with those lists, I also want to be a top-notch wife and the best mom around.  

Phew.  Just writing that makes my palms sweat.

Dreaming and striving to be your "best self" is so good.  I love setting and accomplishing goals.  BUT, I have too much going on in my head lately.  Too many regulations and rules.  I need to allow a little more wiggle room for mistakes and for play.  With perfection and too many "to do's" swirling in my mind, I often defeat myself before I even start on something.  My friend's statement made me focus and realize that I'm not even enjoying what I'm doing because I have too much on my mind. It was such a great reminder to slow down and enjoy the process of working towards a goal.

So, what's your one thing?  What are you choosing to focus on this week?  This month?  Let's get rid of all our ideas of perfection and enjoy the process of working towards something.  Let's give ourselves a little grace and hit it out of the park together.  Ready?