fake it to make it.

There are two situations that I get a lot of ideas during--running and showering.  Unfortunately, it's difficult to write anything down during these two times. I'm working on ideas to solve this.  In the mean time, here is something that came to me this morning while on a run ...

***

source

I used to tell myself this phrase all the time.

"Fake it to make it."

It was a phrase that got me through a lot of uncomfortable and self conscious situations.  During the year and a half leading up to opening our coffee house, I repeated this phrase over and over to myself.  I was meeting with city officials, business owners, and tons of volunteers that wanted to help out with the renovating and planning.  I was fresh out of college and felt like such a little girl.

I remember repeating this phrase throughout the beginning weeks (months?! ... It's all a blur!) of having our first little babe.  Me?  A mom?

In the past, I remember feeling inadequate while meeting up with different women or talking with random people out in the community.  I wanted to appear polished, put together, and poised.  Ask anyone that knows me, and these 3 words definitely do not describe me.  I am as messy, chaotic, and random as they come.  

I think that uttering "fake it to make it" can definitely help boost our confidence when we're in a situation that requires us to truly believe in ourselves and our capabilities. But, you know what, I also think it sucks us dry of the ability to be vulnerable with others.

Vulnerability. It's real. It's hard. It hurts.

But it's where honesty collides with humility. It's where we extend ourselves and let other people in.  When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we take our masks off and the handful of security walls we've built tumble down.  

When our masks come off and our walls fall down, we make ourselves available.  Available to extend and receive love.  We free ourselves to grow and connect.  Form community with others.

We free ourselves to experience the beauty of our lives.  Beauty that comes in all different forms.

I honestly still struggle with what a good balance is of all of this.  But, I know one this is true.  I want to look back on life and know that I took risks while still being my crazy self instead of pretending to be someone else. I want to experience life and all the beauty (and hurts) it has for me instead of living behind a safe phrase or various security walls that keep me safe. 

So, maybe I'll have to utter "fake it to make it" a few more times to get me that boost of confidence I need while trying to cross a goal off my life life, but I also want to remember the importance and freedom of truly being ME.