strawberry saturday

Whenever I think of summer, I think of strawberries.  My husband's family owns a strawberry farm and every June is filled with so many memories revolving around those juicy, red berries.  It's always a competition with who can find the first red berry and there is nothing sweeter in life than the first few bites of fresh berries during that first week of the season.  Four years ago, my husband actually proposed to me in a strawberry field after we spent many warm summer nights walking between the strawberry rows getting to know each other.  So, whenever berry season rolls around each year, I always get giddy with excitement.  

A few Saturdays ago, we were able to take Ramsey out for his first Saturday morning in the berry patch.  I snapped a few pics to share with ya'll.  

 R with his Oma, Papa, and cousin Nolia in the stand

hanging out in the shade 

don't these beauties look delish?! my mouth just waters looking at them!

the "what if" fear

Life is full of decisions.  The season of life our family is in right now is soaked heavy with decision making.  Maybe it's because we're newly parents and we feel the weight of every outcome affecting our little boy in some way or another.  Maybe it's just an outcome of stuffing our lives full to the brim.  In any case, these decisions lately are paralyzing me from moving forward.  I woke up bright and early this morning (a rare occurrence with a newborn), grabbed some coffee in my favorite mug, and sat down for some much needed quiet time.  I couldn't shake this uncomfortable feeling of fear when I contemplated what God wants us to do with some decisions coming up.  This morning, God directed me right to Exodus in the bible and I quickly began to realize that I am putting too much faith in the "what ifs" lately instead of putting my faith in God.  In Exodus, I read about how Moses was so fearful to travel to Egypt to share a message from God.  He continuously pleaded with God about he he wasn't adequate enough to communicate the message.  Moses was so full of fear, even when God continuously assured him that He would help Moses and give him the words to speak.

Exodus 4:11-12 "'Who makes mouths?' the Lord asked him.  Who makes people so they can speak or not speak, hear or not hear, see or not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go, and do as I have told you. I will help you speak well, and I will tell you what to say."

Even after God assures him, the fear continues to eat away at Moses.  He pleads "Lord, please! Send someone else." (Ex. 4:13).

Reading this short passage in Exodus made me realize that I'm giving so much weight to my fears and decision making.  God is right there telling me, "Meg, I will give you the words.  I will give you the wisdom.  Follow along side of me and go where I tell you to go."  But, I still plead with him like Moses.

I'm currently reading through the Soul Detox reading plan on YouVersion.  I remember reading something a while ago that really stuck with me...  "What we fear reveals what we value the most.  What you fear reveals where you trust God the least."  I don't want to place my faith in the "what ifs" or the unknowns.  I want to walk with God, my faith firmly in Him and his direction.  He knows the path our lives should take ... we just have to rest in Him and allow him to direct us.

celebrate!

Today's the day ... my birthday!  Yeehaw!  On birthdays, I can't help to not reflect back on the past year's stories--stories of goals set and met, challenges faced, adventures had, and community shared.  After reading Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I often think about my life as a great story. To live a story I'm proud of telling propels me to want to be challenged and inspired.  

Here's to another year of fears, parties, growth, and beauty.  Cheers!

summer awakening

There's an emotion that this season of summer is able to draw up and out of me from deep down inside the walls of my heart. My emotions rattle around in the hollow of my rib cage eager to burst.

All too often I ignore my own emotions.  I silence the urges before they take root deep within and keep myself button straight up. But, lately there's something about summer that causes me lack of control. The beauty, the simplicity, the fresh air ... I crave it.  My appetite bubbles up in me and seeps out of my pores. I'm forced to dance a little dance with my bare feet caressing the cold tile of the kitchen floors. My feet start to move, my hips sway, and my hair carelessly falls in my face. My emotions bound outward and I am free. Glowing.  Beaming.  Wonderful molded and crafted. My senses are awakened and I've learned how to love again.  Real love.  Deep love.  Pure love.  

My soul gratefully awakens from the long slumber of winter.  I am awake and I am free.

i'll always be a dreamer

Dreaming is so easy, but following through on something is the hardest part.  I am such a dreamer.  These dreams of mine are thought about so often that I bury them in my mind and lock them up so tight that I believe they can never be reality.  I often defeat myself even before I start.    

Taking the plunge and silencing those nasty fears and voices is an art.  An art that I am attempting to get better at.  Aren't we all?  Perhaps it will always be a battle throughout life.

Seasons come and go throughout life.  I am currently exiting a gloomy season of life.  A season that was polluted with exhaustion, bitterness, pride, and negativity.  Throughout this last month, God has spoken to me through new dreams, determination, and excitement.  I'm at a crossroads that is so beautiful and full of life.  This new-found zest for life and eagerness is easily beaten down, but for some reason I'm stronger lately.  There is a delicate strength and vibe about me that feels real.  So real that I want to bottle it up for those days that are a little more grey.

Grace is an intricate part of possessing this new strength.  The fears that often suffocate and bury me are set free with the understanding of grace.  I don't have to be perfect or accomplish perfection--such an elementary concept--but a major struggle of mine.  Once I accepted the gift of grace (and continuously remind myself to accept it), a veil was removed from my view.  My perspective shifted.  I realized that I am enough and I have all I need to accomplish whatever is placed on my heart.  Perfection is suffocating.  I am breathing fresh air.  

Perfection is always a battle that I will continue to fight, but for now I am going to celebrate.  Celebrate the little victories along the way.  The realization that I am part of God's awesome body with passions and talents that He is waiting for me to use to accomplish His dreams.  What a journey.

from the archives :: march, 2010

{originally titled "funky, funk, funk ::: march, 2010}

Hi, my name is Meg and for the past few days I have been in a funk.

I guess the first part is being real with yourself.  Admitting that maybe life hasn’t been the rosiest of glows is tough.  Sometimes I don’t want to wake up from my pretend dream and admit that life has been a little funky (in a not-so-good way).

Right now, I feel like my life is being turned upside down with some exciting changes — new house, marriage, fun job, graduation … phew.  I’m LOOKING FORWARD to these changes amidst the next 3 – 4 ish months like no one’s business.  I cannot wait to feel like I’m finally able to be a full-fledge adult (ha!) and have independence.  I’m so ready….

… but, how do I deal with these changes now?!  Graduation is a month or so away, moving into our new house is about two months away, and our wedding day (eek!) is a little under four months away (not like I’m counting or anything).  To put it bluntly – I want these changes to start happening now. I feel like I’m in between lives and it’s been so hard to focus on really living now and in the moment because I am planning like crazy for the future.  I never want to watch life pass by or miss out on living.  My biggest fear is looking back on my life and feeling like I never truly lived. I get sad just thinking of that thought.

So, I’m going to try to see the beauty in life in every situation.  (Easier said than done — let’s be real)  Even though I feel like I’m pulled between two different lives and I don’t feel like I really have my footing anywhere, I want to take these funky feelings and use them.  Use them to develop myself, work hard on connecting with the people around me, and learn about this life I’m supposed to live.  These next few months are a great time to re-evaluate life and to focus on developing into the woman I’m supposed to be.

Who’s with me?  Let’s team up and fight the funky funk funk.

from the archives :: june 2010

{originally titled "morning breeze"  :::  june, 2010}

i woke up early this morning.  it felt so good to feel the cool breeze of a summer morning float through my wide open bedroom window as i scooted farther and farther under the crisp sheets.  this morning felt different from the others.  my thoughts have prevented me from sleeping as of late.  i guess renovating a coffeehouse, buying a new house, and getting married merit no sleep, but that’s besides the point.  i had a different outlook this morning.  a different vigor.  i have been longing for these positive thoughts for a few weeks now.

i was beginning to think that i wasn’t going to be able to enjoy this crazy time that God has put before us, and that frustrated me to no end.  i felt like i was having a hard time enjoying the beauty of life because i couldn’t get my mind off of the changes that were going on.  there was a fear inside of me that was getting in the way.  my fear of failure.  my fear of the unknown.  my fear of not being good enough.  these fears were whispering in my ears, taunting me to listen.

what i’ve realized is you can’t accomplish anything great without these fears.  without obstacles, we will live a very boring and bland life full of predictable occurrences.  nothing will happen to makes our hearts beat a little faster and our stomachs fly like butterflies.

i realized that these realities on the horizon are gifts.  gifts that were given to me.  why wouldn’t i strive after them?  why let fear paralyze me into quitting?  it’s going to be exhausting.  exciting.  wild.  … as long as i don’t get stuck in the moment where i listen to fear and quit.

this morning everything seemed a little more clear to me.  i’m not a “quitter”.  God gave me this path … this purpose … and it is coming more and more real with every day.  i know that i’ll still have days when everything seems a little “too much” and i question my decisions.  it wouldn’t be right if this wasn’t a journey with obstacles … ups and downs.  the one realization that will remain true is that this is a God-sized dream and as long as i keep listening and following (even when i can’t see), everything will be okay.

ok, enough preaching for one morning …

from the archives :: august, 2010

{originally titled "are you sure, god?"  :::  from august, 2010}

I left the house this morning not fully knowing where to go.  I sat in the driver’s seat waiting for a grand idea to come to me, to inspire me to drive some where exciting, comfortable, or enriching.  Should I go to the coffeehouse?  The church office?  Work from home?  Should I just drive a few hours away and see if I feel any better?

These last few weeks have been great, unpredictable, emotional, exhausting.  Isn’t it interesting how there are some times in our lives where you feel like you can’t grab a hold?  It’s almost like you know there are more changes right around the corner and you already feel like your “world” has been turned upside down.  The only thing I keep on remembering is that nothing worthy of living would happen out of leading a predictable and boring life.  Even though things have been crazy (in all sense of the word), I really don’t think I would have it any other way.

With that said, I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with all these changes, transitions, new things and experiences.  If I can’t stop it, I must try to control it — right?!  I crack myself up.  I want everything in life to fit into my pretty little organizational boxes I have laid out and prepared for all occasions.  What I have been realizing lately is this is not the point.  We’re not supposed to be ready or prepared for times in life like this.  We are supposed to feel a little (or a lot) out of control.  That’s the point.  The point is to let go.  Learn how to find a new way — a way that isn’t laid out through an instruction manual.  Above all, I’ve been uncomfortably realizing this.  And, you know what, it’s all okay.  With the understanding that I’m striving and searching for God’s plan in all of it, I know I’ll be okay.  He has given me a deep and burning passion for what I’m supposed to be doing.  I know it when I feel it.  It’s unmistakable.

The cool thing is that He isn’t going to lead me away.  Even though there’s times when the path I’m walking doesn’t seem paved, straight, or common — there is a plan.  His plan.  I would much rather follow His plan than my plan that nicely fits into my rosy and perfect life.  Because when I fall – He’s there.  He walks with me.  Picks me up.  Carries me.  His plan is more adventurous and enriching.  By hanging on to my plan and path (whether I have a fistful or I’m barely hanging on to the last little threads) I’m basically saying I don’t trust Him.  I don’t trust how He lovingly planned out my adventures, purpose, and plan.  Why would I ever want to do that?  He meticulously put me together and knows every little thing about me.  He knows everything about me (the good and bad) and still loves me.  Wow.  He wants me to live out my life according to His plan.  With His plan in mind, I can only be living the most blessed life.  This still blows my mind when I think about it.

This path I’m on right now really isn’t easy.  Actually, if I was given a way out right now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wouldn’t think twice about taking it.  I have been upset, tired, and have said “I quit” more times that I can count.  My days have been long, my emotions have been drained, and I feel inadequate for the job.  But, I have also seen God work through me in beautiful ways.  I have been uplifted more times that I have fallen.  God continues to tell me “I chose you.  You.”  People have reached out to help – people with big, huge hearts that I don’t even know.  These people and thoughts keep me going.  They make me stop and realize what is actually happening in this crazy life.  God is working through people to do some great things.  When you actually stop and listen to God, it’s amazing what He has in store and what He can do.

I have around a month to get this coffeehouse up and running.  There are a lot of things that need to be accomplished between now and then.  I have no idea how it will be possible, but it will all get done.  There will be a moment in the next few months where I look back and marvel at the intricate and beautiful work that God did.  Until then, I will continue to pray for peace and strength.  And wisdom for where to drive when I get out of the driveway.

Positive thoughts and prayers accepted.