Friday, June 1, 2012

from the archives :: august, 2010

{originally titled "are you sure, god?"  :::  from august, 2010}
I left the house this morning not fully knowing where to go.  I sat in the driver’s seat waiting for a grand idea to come to me, to inspire me to drive some where exciting, comfortable, or enriching.  Should I go to the coffeehouse?  The church office?  Work from home?  Should I just drive a few hours away and see if I feel any better?
These last few weeks have been great, unpredictable, emotional, exhausting.  Isn’t it interesting how there are some times in our lives where you feel like you can’t grab a hold?  It’s almost like you know there are more changes right around the corner and you already feel like your “world” has been turned upside down.  The only thing I keep on remembering is that nothing worthy of living would happen out of leading a predictable and boring life.  Even though things have been crazy (in all sense of the word), I really don’t think I would have it any other way.
With that said, I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with all these changes, transitions, new things and experiences.  If I can’t stop it, I must try to control it — right?!  I crack myself up.  I want everything in life to fit into my pretty little organizational boxes I have laid out and prepared for all occasions.  What I have been realizing lately is this is not the point.  We’re not supposed to be ready or prepared for times in life like this.  We are supposed to feel a little (or a lot) out of control.  That’s the point.  The point is to let go.  Learn how to find a new way — a way that isn’t laid out through an instruction manual.  Above all, I’ve been uncomfortably realizing this.  And, you know what, it’s all okay.  With the understanding that I’m striving and searching for God’s plan in all of it, I know I’ll be okay.  He has given me a deep and burning passion for what I’m supposed to be doing.  I know it when I feel it.  It’s unmistakable.
The cool thing is that He isn’t going to lead me away.  Even though there’s times when the path I’m walking doesn’t seem paved, straight, or common — there is a plan.  His plan.  I would much rather follow His plan than my plan that nicely fits into my rosy and perfect life.  Because when I fall – He’s there.  He walks with me.  Picks me up.  Carries me.  His plan is more adventurous and enriching.  By hanging on to my plan and path (whether I have a fistful or I’m barely hanging on to the last little threads) I’m basically saying I don’t trust Him.  I don’t trust how He lovingly planned out my adventures, purpose, and plan.  Why would I ever want to do that?  He meticulously put me together and knows every little thing about me.  He knows everything about me (the good and bad) and still loves me.  Wow.  He wants me to live out my life according to His plan.  With His plan in mind, I can only be living the most blessed life.  This still blows my mind when I think about it.
This path I’m on right now really isn’t easy.  Actually, if I was given a way out right now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wouldn’t think twice about taking it.  I have been upset, tired, and have said “I quit” more times that I can count.  My days have been long, my emotions have been drained, and I feel inadequate for the job.  But, I have also seen God work through me in beautiful ways.  I have been uplifted more times that I have fallen.  God continues to tell me “I chose you.  You.”  People have reached out to help – people with big, huge hearts that I don’t even know.  These people and thoughts keep me going.  They make me stop and realize what is actually happening in this crazy life.  God is working through people to do some great things.  When you actually stop and listen to God, it’s amazing what He has in store and what He can do.
I have around a month to get this coffeehouse up and running.  There are a lot of things that need to be accomplished between now and then.  I have no idea how it will be possible, but it will all get done.  There will be a moment in the next few months where I look back and marvel at the intricate and beautiful work that God did.  Until then, I will continue to pray for peace and strength.  And wisdom for where to drive when I get out of the driveway.
Positive thoughts and prayers accepted.

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