nothing crazy big, but just a lot of little things. i didn't really think much of it. we have fallen into a healthy routine and way of living as a family, so i thought the little things would be managed well along the way.
but, what i realized this past weekend is that a lot of little things add up to be a big thing. and big things make me want to stay in bed longer. they make me thirsty for quiet when it feels like the entire day is filled with noise. these big things sneak up behind me all incognito and knock me down when i least expect it.
and, for some reason, it was hard for me to get up this time. i feel like i have been fighting tooth and nail to just rise above the tension. the anxiety. the long, tired days.
this morning, after a few random tears and a breakfast mishap, i walked upstairs to just catch my breath and collect my thoughts. to sort of re-calibrate my perspective. all i could keep thinking about was, "what is wrong with me? i've got this. i can handle this. why is everything (and everyone!) being so difficult?!". (oh goodness, my pride.)
and then it dawned on me.
i am striving to fight alone. and all this struggling is causing me to feel all sorts of shame and guilt, which are all too heavy for one person to carry.
i like to be strong. i like to pride myself on being an independent and healthy woman.
but none of these things matter when i don't have god.
i've been a this place. many times. the place of thinking that i have it all together. i have all the answers. the fixes. the solutions.
i look and act the part of the buttoned up, perfect woman. but, in all reality, i am a mess. i am anything but neat and tidy and i kind of like it that way.
what i'm learning is that to be christian doesn't mean that you have it all together. it doesn't mean that you're always happy with kids that are cute and ready to please. it doesn't mean that you have the perfect house (and you're the perfect host!) for community group. it doesn't mean you know all the answers to the crazy questions life forces you to ask.
it means that you're weak. and you're willing to be weak.
to be a christian means to own up to all this messy craziness and admit our need for a savior.
amen. thank goodness.