settling into motherhood

oh, boy.  oh, baby boy.

motherhood is quite a trip.  a beautiful, beautiful trip.

i thought i half-way knew what to expect with motherhood.  oh, was i wrong.  i didn't think it was possible, but never in my life have i had a deeper understanding about being tired, hungry and in love.  the exhaustion, oh the exhaustion.  i can't even explain it.  and the hunger!  never did i realize i would be able to put away an entire dinner and then be famished again only an hour later.  these are important things, ya'll!  but, nothing matters when you hear little squeals and those chubby baby hands reach up to hold your face as their warm body molds to your chest.

another thing i didn't really know what to expect about motherhood?  the infamous 'mommy guilt' and the overload on information about how to parent.  i often times find myself wanting to make all the right decisions and do all the right things.  {which is crazy because who even defines what's "right" or "wrong" ... }

i'm realizing that the moment i release whatever expectations, pressures + guilt i have into the hands of the only one that matters is the moment i am able to rest in his grace and see intricate beauty in the mess and vulnerability of being a mom.  the moment i let the pressure go of making the best decision is the moment i'm able to actually enjoy being a mom as well.  because, as hard as this is, it is such a privilege to be able to love on and teach a little being.

i can't do it all or be it all.  and the moment i try, is the moment i forget that a gracious god sacrificed it all for me.  {gulp, swallow down that pride of mine ... }

i'm so grateful for every day that i'm able to spend with this little tiny nugget of energy and life.  by trusting and letting go of control and fear, god is unveiling his plans for how he wants to use me to minister to this tiny boy.

i pray that the days i'm struggling to make things work and look pretty on the outside, i'm able to learn to continuously let go and allow god to shape and mold the story he has for me.  i want to show this little one how being okay with messy and vulnerable and real life is so healthy and beautiful.

this story of motherhood is such a tender + humbling experience.