not so tiny anymore

Ramsey and I (about 6 months ago)

My little boy turns one this month. I know babies grow up and many mothers have been through the "oh my goodness, they're one!" stage, but I'm still in disbelief.

It's almost like the day Ramsey unexpectedly made his appearance was yesterday, but it also feels like ages ago. After looking at pictures of myself that day, I feel like I don't really know who that woman is holding a tiny newborn staring back at me with tired eyes that haven't even experienced true exhaustion yet.

My son came at such a transformative time in my life -- I just didn't know it. Yes, I know, children change everything. They make you think deeper and re-evaluate who you are and how you act. You have a little human watching you now. You realize the influence and responsibility you have.

But, there was more that changed inside of me. It was more than needing to deal with selfish desires and struggling with having to be responsible for another little human being 24/7.

You see, I wasn't ready to change my priorities. I wasn't ready to balance life or create boundaries.

I wanted to fight the changes and convince myself that life could go on just as it was before.  I could do everything and be everything -- I would just be able to do it all with an adorable little baby now.

I wanted to throw pity parties.  I wanted to wallow in having to let go of "my things", "my time", my views of how life should be lived.  And I did.

Over the past year, God have loosened my fingers and grasp one by one on everything I held tightly.  Let me tell you, it hurts.  At times I want to fight back, battling to taste the sickly sweet feeling of control once again. But, it always results in me laying it all down (or, more like falling) again, desperate for Him.  He continues to graciously soften my prideful heart and shifted my perspective.

This past year has shook me and rocked me and blessed me over and over.

I'm not the same woman.

I don't have the same views or even the same goals.

And I am so ridiculously thankful for that.

Later this month, I won't only be celebrating my little boy turing one.  I will also be celebrating and worshipping this precious, gracious and patient God that continues to bless and mold me beyond comprehension with lessons, trials, and sweet rewards.

I wasn't ready to learn lessons from my baby boy and it was a struggle to accept the change that motherhood would bring into my life a year ago, but I wouldn't have it any other way.