five minute friday : "listen"

today i'm linking up with lisa-jo baker and her marvelous idea of "five minute friday". every friday she gives a one word prompt. you write unscripted for five minutes flat. this friday's prompt was "listen". here goes!

--

i sit down next to my friend. warm mug of coffee in hand. we quickly get the normal questions out of the way--kids, husband, job, weather. we sink down a little deeper into our seats and hold our mugs a little closer. i prop my feet up on the edge of the chair. my heart feels like it is going to burst with all the thoughts and emotions i want to share, but i utter no words. i have an urge to fill the silence with random words strung together, but then i realize that silence is golden. and if silence is golden, listening is even better. my friend begins to unfold and share. and i listen.

i leave the coffee house that night with a different and outward perspective.

the simple things

it's spring and starting to feel like summer!  hallelujah.  there is something that just comes alive in me when the temperature warms up, the sun shines, and the leaves begin to green.  i am an outside girl through and through.

i started thinking earlier this week about how fast summer seems to slip by.  it's almost like we rejoice when the temperature starts to warm up and then all of a sudden we trade our bare feet and iced coffee for scarves and spiced lattes.  just thinking about it gets me a little overwhelmed because i want to make sure i squeeze out every little goodness summer has to offer.

so, i decided that i'm going to focus on two little phrases during these summer months to ease the anxiety of it slipping by too quickly and to help keep me intentional about what really matters.

ready for it? (drumroll....)

keep it simple. 
and
be fearless. 

i love the simple things.  great coffee in the morning, getting dirty in the garden, a family walk to the park, fresh sheets on our bed.  some times i don't take the time to relax and realize the amazing goodness that god has already blessed me with.  i really want to stop and savor god's blessings as much as possible this summer.

and, this being fearless thing has me so excited.  being vulnerable and fearless has been on my mind for quite a few months.  i love adventure and community, but i don't always take the time to actually seek it out and foster it.  i tend to just daydream about my crazy ideas without actually taking a step forward with anything.  so, i'm choosing to be a little more fearless this summer.  when my brain says "no" or is hesitant about something fun ... i'm going to give it a whirl instead!

it will be fun to document a few of my thoughts on here throughout the summer months.  is there anything that you're focusing on this summer?

admitting my weakness.

image source

it's been quiet on here for a little while.  mostly because of life changes. transitions of sorts.

nothing crazy big, but just a lot of little things.  i didn't really think much of it.  we have fallen into a healthy routine and way of living as a family, so i thought the little things would be managed well along the way.

but, what i realized this past weekend is that a lot of little things add up to be a big thing. and big things make me want to stay in bed longer.  they make me thirsty for quiet when it feels like the entire day is filled with noise.  these big things sneak up behind me all incognito and knock me down when i least expect it.

and, for some reason, it was hard for me to get up this time.  i feel like i have been fighting tooth and nail to just rise above the tension.  the anxiety.  the long, tired days.

this morning, after a few random tears and a breakfast mishap, i walked upstairs to just catch my breath and collect my thoughts.  to sort of re-calibrate my perspective.  all i could keep thinking about was, "what is wrong with me?  i've got this.  i can handle this.  why is everything (and everyone!) being so difficult?!".  (oh goodness, my pride.)

and then it dawned on me.

i am striving to fight alone.  and all this struggling is causing me to feel all sorts of shame and guilt, which are all too heavy for one person to carry.

i like to be strong.  i like to pride myself on being an independent and healthy woman.

but none of these things matter when i don't have god.


i've been a this place.  many times.  the place of thinking that i have it all together.  i have all the answers.  the fixes.  the solutions.

i look and act the part of the buttoned up, perfect woman.  but, in all reality, i am a mess.  i am anything but neat and tidy and i kind of like it that way.

what i'm learning is that to be christian doesn't mean that you have it all together.  it doesn't mean that you're always happy with kids that are cute and ready to please.  it doesn't mean that you have the perfect house (and you're the perfect host!) for community group.  it doesn't mean you know all the answers to the crazy questions life forces you to ask.

it means that you're weak.  and you're willing to be weak.

to be a christian means to own up to all this messy craziness and admit our need for a savior.

amen. thank goodness.

we went a swingin'

over the weekend, we decided to ignore the lingering snow piles and celebrate spring by taking a trip to the park.  ramsey tried out the swings for the first time and his reaction was priceless!  i wanted to just freeze time and soak up that entire moment.  i can't get enough of his chubby, little legs pumping and swinging and his contagious giggles.  enjoy the little video i captured with our phone.

here's to bare feet, future picnics + park dates, and hoping spring comes soon!

rainy run

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I was able to sneak out for a long, slow run over the weekend.  It was exactly the thing that my muscles and mind needed.  I turned left at the end of our driveway and chose the open, rural roads instead of the city sidewalks to the right.  It wasn't raining when I left, but small drops started falling about halfway through.  I have such an (over!)active mind, so I usually try to use my runs as a time to clear my mind, be quiet, and just focus.  All that I could hear throughout the entire time was "I make all things new".  Over and over and over.  

I'm just so amazed that no matter how far I fall.  How messy I get.  No matter what crisis I think I'm in. God continues to make all things new.  Every day.  Every season.  

I know this is something that is often mentioned, but I think we go throughout life forgetting that we have a choice between the new and the old.  Some times it's hard to remember that we have a choice.  Some times it is just easier to stay bitter or lazy or disinterested for awhile.  We have to remind ourselves that this life is not all about us.  Our God is trustworthy and faithful.  There is so much beauty in how God always makes things new.  How every season starts, ends, and is made beautiful.  

I just couldn't keep these thoughts to myself.  Have a great start to your week.  

to write

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lately i have started a bad habit of writing, deleting, then re-writing.  there are an abundance of posts in my drafts folder.  now, i know it's good to proofread and make grammatically correct phrases and sentences (oops...).  and there definitely is a time to be particular and intentional about what ever you're trying to accomplish and write.  i love both types of writing.  but, for some reason, i let my perfectionism and insecurities get in the way and i start to forget why i even write in the first place.

i write to sort things out. to process.

i write to share my story. to force myself to be vulnerable. 

i write because i feel most like myself with a pen in my hand, journal opened up, and coffee steaming next to me. 

i write so i can think.   

i don't write to have perfect endings and pretty sentences. 

i don't write to pretend that my life is perfect.  

i don't write to construct a made-up mask or wall that i hide my weird quirks and insecurities behind.  

i don't write because i should or because i have to. 

i write because i choose to.  i write because i would go absolutely nuts if i didn't. 

and, the cool thing is, when i allow myself to write about the crazy nonsense that my mind thinks up, other people don't feel so weird or crazy or different.  other people are inspired and encouraged.

all because i choose to write.  

It's your day, Ramsey-boy.

Ramsey,

Today is your birthday. Your first birthday. A whole year has gone by ever since the moment you came into this world and were placed on my chest. As your momma, I continue to grow more and more entranced with you and your budding personality as every day passes. It's hard for me to even comprehend the complexity of growing you, nourishing you, loving you, and teaching you as you grow before my eyes.

We are starting to really form a relationship and bond. It's almost like we share secrets that no one else knows about. This connection we have continues to surprise me and is so precious to me. I promise you I will try my best to not take that for granted.

I'm finding that I try to prepare my heart and mind for all these milestones with you. But, I'm realizing that I just need to stand in the in-between and feel all the messy and the beautiful at the same time in order to experience it all.

You have changed me over this past year, little boy. I am blessed to be your momma and to have the amazing, challenging, and beautiful responsibility to raise you and love on you.

You are deeply loved,
your mama